91X Morning Show with Mat Diablo

5:30 a.m.  

 

 

Mat Diablo’s Great Bachelor Experiment is off to a lackluster start. He was hit on, on the trolley en route to the Padres game, by a large woman equipped with an ankle tracking device. But that’s nothing new.

 

 

 

Preston the Morning Show Manservant was filling in for Mookie who is filling in for Carlos. Third-string producer action.

 

 

 

6 a.m.  

 

 

A nine-letter sequence referring to a technique for creating special effects on the violin (B-A-R-I-O-L-A-G-E) thrust local spelling enthusiast into the semi-finals of the national Spelling Bee.

 

 

 

The marijuana and methamphetamine recovered by Border Patrol officials in Fallbrook yesterday caused Mookie to be absent today, as he had to take care of other business.

 

 

 

Texas man denies buying and selling poor, Mexican babies.

 

 

 

Mat told the heartwarming tale of a 58-year-old homeless woman who crept into a man’s house and lived in his closet undetected for a year. (Insert R. Kelly joke here.) The man noticed food disappearing, so he installed cameras in his home that eventually lead to the discovery of the woman.

 

 

 

Speaking of food disappearing, Mahoney began his attempt at the 11,000 calorie consumption in 8 hours. Only three large Meat Lover’s pizzas from Papa John’s and a two liter bottle of Coke sat between him and glory.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Preston the Morning Show Manservant drooled as he watched Mahoney so gluttonously gorge on mass quantities of pizza. Preston lives a life of poverty in a surf shack in Pacific Beach with four other “bros” who have no furniture other than a couch that was very recently urinated upon.

 

 

 

A caller, Brandon, offered to sing a K-Fed song in pink pajamas if Mahoney makes it to 11,000.

 

 

 

What’s on the Internet? http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/ 

 

 

 

Drunk Dial Line!

One call included a man’s detailed analysis of the 91X Morning Show—“At first I was like, ‘Hmmmmm. Hmmm. Hmmmmm… But you guys rock. You know what to say and you say what you say.’” Thanks buddy.

Someone recorded their riveting Kazoo recital.

One man performed his tragic masterpiece about the disappointment he suffered from the new Indiana Jones movie.

 

 

 

7 a.m.

Mahoney had killed one pizza and over a liter of pop.

 

 

 

Mat praised Preston for his hard-earned degree in Anthropology and Russian Futurism.

Preston, unfazed, continued staring at Mahoney’s pizza with a Tiny-Tim’s-missing-Christmas look in his eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pop Trash: K-Fed ditches the kids at Disneyland, a Donnie Darko Due, Bill Murray likes bud and beatings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 a.m.

When Mahoney began to grow weary of pizza, Mat declared that however many calories short he is at the point when he simply can’t put away any more pizza has to made up with meat sticks from the vending machine.

 

 

 

Ruggy came in to help everyone get their Yelp on in the aptly named segment:

Get Your Yelp On with Ruggy Great Bachelor Experiment Edition

 

 

 

Where to get your steak on:

Gaslamp Strip Club downtown

Pacifica Del Mar Del Mar (Cougar haven)

In Cahoots Mission Valley 

The Stampede Temecula

 

 

 

Where to get your weekend events on:

The Wine, Cheese, and Chocolate Festival in Balboa Park

Summerbeat at the L Bar

MC Flow at the 7 10 Beach Club

 

 

 

This is the fourth consecutive week that one of the Yelpers referenced The Tubs.

 

 

 

A caller answered Mat’s summon to review Fatty’s favorite drinking establishment Tumbleweed Junction. She rated it as, “kind of weird, kind of chewy.”

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Mahoney was balls deep in meat pizza.

 

 

 

NEW GAME!

Make It Stop!

 

 

The premise:  

 

 

Mat will start playing an awful song.

A caller must correctly identify the name of the song as well as the artist.

If successful, they then may scream, “Make it stop!”

 

 

 

Today’s song was Denise Williams,’ “Let’s Hear it for the Boys.”

When Mat asked the caller that finally named the artist how he knew that, he answered simply, “I’m 45 years old.”

And for that he won a stellar Radiohead DVD.

 

 

 

9 a.m.

Mahoney, two pizzas in, started looking like his Midwestern brethren—sweaty, bloated and pale.

 

 

 

Preston said Mahoney resembled John Candy in The Great Outdoors, but less handsome.

 

 

 

-SS

5:30 a.m.  

 

 

Mahoney forgot the beer for Beer for Breakfast. He was promptly sent home to retrieve it.

 

 

 

Mat Diablo was upset. His wife is leaving for one whole week and his last night with her was spent dreaming of Mahoney.

 

 

 

6 a.m.  

 

 

Mat reported a $1000 reward for information on the location of five littering gang members who beat up an off-duty firefighter and blinded him in one eye.

 

 

 

A phone-bank message used by Mayor Sanders to highlight the hypocrisy of Steve Francis’ (“F#%k you, Steve!”) campaign displeased the Chargers, who thought it suggested that the organization supports Francis. No one wants to be associated with pancake-face.

 

 

 

The mishandling of traffic at the Police reunion concert in Chula Vista last night proved, yet again, that concerts should stop being held in Chula Vista. Concerned San Diegans wondered if the area would be able to handle a new stadium for the Chargers if it couldn’t even manage a middle-aged rock group.

 

 

 

Mat calculated that if the 11,000 calorie challenge were to be completed solely by consuming beer, Mahoney would have to drink 110 bottles in 8 hours.

The stakes of the challenge were officially established: if Mahoney successfully devours the 11,000 calories in the time allotted, he will win the prestigious prize of Mat’s acknowledgement of his achievement.

If he fails, he has to spend an entire weekend with the homoerotic stylings of Preston and Rowley in their studio apartment in Pacific Beach while they, according to Mat, “jam out and tummy each other.”

 

 

 

What’s on the Internet? http://carbonbelchday.com/ 

 

 

 

Mahoney spent $2600 on a brand spanking new couch (or is it a brand new spanking couch?) due to arrive this afternoon.

Preston the Morning Show Manservant’s couch, however, was violated in several different ways last night.

He awoke to his roommate gently jabbing an anonymous overnight guest on the sofa of concern. All he heard was the faint whispers of, “Hey, hey man. Did you pee on our couch?”

He could smell the answer.

 

 

 

Mat reminded listeners that no matter how bad your day is, just remember it could be worse—you could be Preston.

 

 

 

7 a.m.

Mat asked everyone where their mustaches went as he pet his furry face.

 

 

 

Pop Trash: Another Harry Potter book, Chuck Norris, and George Clooney is single again.

 

 

 

While his wife is away and he is bored and lonesome, Mat is going to wear a tuxedo everywhere he goes in an attempt to embody the essence of George Clooney.

 

 

 

Either that or he’s going to rent an RV and drive to Irvine to see Iron Maiden.

 

 

 

Mat referenced Deadwood for the second time in two days.

 

 

 

One broken toilet, twenty-seven angry astronauts.  

 

 

Mahoney and Mookie interviewed one of the brave men living in the space station in the midst of this less-than-desirable sanitation situation.

Billy Utah, the American astronaut, ranted about Russian-made toilets.

 

 

 

Debbie from Downtown spun the Wheel of Tickets and will see 311 and Snoop Dogg this summer, courtesy of 91X.

 

 

 

8 a.m.

 

 

 

Beer for Breakfast!  

 

 

Mahoney is the Veruca Salt of beer. Nothing is ever good enough, nor is there ever enough of it.

Mat and Mahoney evaluated Big Sky Brewing Co.’s Moose Drool Brown Ale.

Mat noted that although it is the color of maple syrup, it tastes of Pledge and turnips.

He compared the aftertaste to an anti-government militia, two old men talking over a game of chess, and an argyle sweater.

 

 

 

Mahoney rated it 3 out of 5 on the Mahoney Beer Scale of Supremacy. He also renamed the rating system.

 

 

 

To describe the beer in one word…

Mookie chose nutty

Mahoney chose malty.

Mat chose victory.

 

 

 

9 a.m.

Mahoney was completely enchanted by Jesse “JT$” Taylor from Spike TV’s Ultimate Fighter as he regaled the morning show with tales from his triumphant fight last night.

 

 

 

He also explained the scene where he peed through his shorts.

 

 

 

More Pop Trash: Chicken Foot.

 

 

 

-SS

coming soon…

Moose Drool Brown Ale has 5.10% ABV (alchol by volume) and was served from a 12 oz. long neck with no freshness date from a six pack purchased at Bev Mo in Mission Valley. It was poured liberally into a normal pint glass.

Look: Transparent Amber. There is ample tan colored head which was aroused by a strong pour that fades in a timely fashion leaving behind light lacing.

Smell: Sweet with a hints of chocolate and coffee.

Taste: 1 word…MALT. Lots of Roasted Malts. Nutty with coca accents and a light sprinkling of hops. It has an oaky finish that is dry lingers for a fleeting moment.

Feel: Medium-bodied with a light carbonation and a smooth mouth feel.

Drinkabilty: Enjoyable…but certainly not an everyday drink or even a weekly drink for that matter.

3 out of 5 on the Mahoney’s Beer Scale of Supremacy

Food Pairings.
Cheeses (earthy; Camembert, Fontina, nutty; Asiago, Colby, Parmesan)
Meats (Pork, Grilled Meat)

5:30 a.m.

Mat Diablo started a rumor that Mookie is a professional cabana boy, relentlessly pursuing cougars throughout the city .

Mookie, filling in for Carlos, heard every word. He neither confirmed nor denied the rumor, but reeked of Chanel No. 5 and tanning oil.

 

 

 

6 a.m.

Mat applauded the ‘frontier justice’ utilized in the attempted robbery of a travel agency in La Mesa.

 

 

 

Two men were arrested after trying to steal an iPod from a 16-year-old boy walking home from school. He yelled for help, they threatened to shoot him. He yelled louder, they fled. He called the police, they were arrested. Someone paid attention to the “Stranger Danger” episode of an afterschool special.

 

 

 

Mahoney and the junta of Myanmar have yet another similarity:  the belief that contact with a woman’s undergarments will strip them of their powers. Canadian women plan to exploit this principle with the propaganda-ridden panties (Propaganties?) campaign, “Panties for Peace.”

 

 

 

Because the 91X Morning Show is a “different kind of show” (i.e. Mahoney is lazy and Mat’s not funny), Mat decided to humor himself by scanning the guest-booking service used by most wacky morning show hosts.

Among those available for appearance is Betty White of Golden Girls fame, who wants to talk about a new book she has written about her dog.

Mario Lopez has some free time, but will not talk about Saved by the bell. Therefore the morning show will not talk about Mario Lopez.

Other accessible guests include Donna Summer and Alice Cooper. Mahoney mentioned that, if booked, Cooper and Capone could compare eyeliner application techniques.

 

 

 

What’s on the Internet? http://zacsunderland.com/ 

“Doesn’t he know what happened to Magellan?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Morrissey-loving caller fortunate enough to spin the Wheel of Tickets will see Slightly Stoopid with Pepper this summer, courtesy of 91X.

 

 

 

7 a.m.

11,000 calorie challenge!  

 

 

Mahoney has planned his menu for this Friday’s challenge to consume 11,000 calories within an 8 hour time frame.

A caller revealed to Mahoney that the 31 Flavors’ Heath Bar milkshake alone contains 2400 calories.

Mat suggested the Awesome Blossom and awesome sauce.

Mahoney, however, is intent on devouring three large, thin-crust, Pizza Hut ‘Meat Lovers’ pizzas and a two liter bottle of Coke. This would account for 600 grams of Trans fat—300 times more than the government’s daily recommended allowance.

 

 

 

Mat said he feels awful for Mahoney’s new couch.

 

 

 

Pop Trash: Oprah isn’t such a heavy-hitter, Swayze and Jackson hit the town—separately. Sharon Stone calls Chinese earthquakes ‘karma.’

 

 

 

8 a.m.

Mat asked Mookie, with all due respect, if Mookies’ mom has ever done porn.

 

 

 

Best of Craigslist Essence of San Diego Edition

Mat, convinced that the Craigslist listings for any given city will distill the entire essence of said city, read some of the ‘Best of’ category from San Diego.

 

 

 

Some excerpts:

“To the guy sailing across Mission Bay with a porch umbrella…boldly charging across like a combination of Admiral Nelson and Mary Poppins… I had so many questions… Actually, just one: Why? Please tell me your story…”

 

 

 

“Free carton of irregular cat-hats… Used cat and kitten hats… Fourteen different styles of hats from cute to formal…”

Mahoney’s redneck sensibility lead him to believe this woman was offering hats made out of cats.

 

 

 

“Found: one large bag of ‘granny porn’ DVDs… Dude, what the hell is your problem, you left a huge bagful of granny porn on the sidewalk in Carlsbad… I can only assume this is deliberate…”

Mahoney thought this counted as an act of terrorism.

 

 

 

And finally,

 

 

 

“Dear Cat, please don’t disturb the blinds while I’m watching porn.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another caller worthy of the Wheel of Tickets will see Stone Temple Pilots this June at Concerts on the Green at Qualcomm.

 

 

 

Mat told everyone who thinks they are going through a rough time to remember it can always be worse. For example, the International Space Station’s one toilet is broken. In space. They have resorted to a bag. Think about that.

 

 

 

Apparently Mat’s got an ‘in’ with the space program and will interview one of the bag-accustomed astronauts tomorrow.

 

 

 

9 a.m.

Like the Carlos Montoya, the Che Guevara of the Boomerang Revolution, over half of college students and graduates are moving back in with their parents.

Mat blamed the economy, noting that wages for these graduates are definitely not keeping up with inflation.

Callers commented on this current trend. One man has been in and out of his parents’ house for 12 years. An admitted cougar-hunter, he always either lived with an older woman or his mother. Issues?

Another caller actually suffers the reverse of this situation—his dad actually moved in with him after losing his job. His dad thinks he is in charge and “wanders around in his skivvies.” Graphic.

 

 

 

More Pop Trash: Rooster and Miller Lyte McConaughey, solar Apples.

 

 

 

Breaking News: Mookie was not hallucinating from this morning’s breakfast bong rip—a white, unidentified pillar has been photographed on Mars.

 

 

 

Tomorrow: Beer for Breakfast!

 

-SS

5:30 a.m.

Mahoney brought Carlos’ headphones to the Stache Bash, and blamed their misplacement on the Promotions Department. He brought them to plug into the recorder to get audio for this morning’s show, but forgot the SD card needed to do so. He blew it.

Mat remembered a simpler time. A time when he didn’t have the sleep schedule of a coal miner.

Mahoney learned that Jesse Taylor excused himself from (i.e. ditched) the show yesterday because of baby-momma drama.

6 a.m. It is a joyous day, indeed, as the Greek life at San Diego resumes its demise. In addition to the two fraternities suspended as a result of the drug bust, two have been expelled for hazing and alcohol abuse.

Mat, despite reeling from the excitement that can only stem from a night’s worth of booze and mustached men, admitted that during the Stache Bash he could not stop fantasizing about the mayoral debate concurrently being recorded on his DVR.

(more…)

5:30 a.m.  

Mahoney brought Carlos’ headphones to the Stache Bash, and blamed their misplacement on the Promotions Department. He brought them to plug into the recorder to get audio for this morning’s show, but forgot the SD card needed to do so. He blew it.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat remembered a simpler time. A time when he didn’t have the sleep schedule of a coal miner.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mahoney learned that Jesse Taylor excused himself from (i.e. ditched) the show yesterday because of baby-momma drama.  

 

 

   

 

 

6 a.m.  

 

 

It is a joyous day, indeed, as the Greek life at San Diego State resumes its demise. In addition to the two fraternities suspended as a result of the drug bust, two have been expelled for hazing and alcohol abuse.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat, despite reeling from the excitement that can only stem from a night’s worth of booze and mustached men, admitted that during the Stache Bash he could not stop fantasizing about the mayoral debate concurrently being recorded on his DVR.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat referred to the two tornadoes in Riverside as God’s version of an ‘Adopt-a-Highway’ program.  

 

 

Mahoney called them giant leaf blowers.  

 

 

   

 

 

The morning show learned that Mahoney’s mustache was actually funded by Steve Francis’ mayoral campaign committee.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat’s mustache resembled Captain Morgan’s (a Mo-stache, perhaps?)  

 

 

   

 

 

What’s on the Internet?

Half-assed Edition

 

 

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080119184441AA9fW3o   

 

 

   

 

 

Mat became self-conscious after his mike went limp.  

 

 

   

 

 

Drunk Dial Line!

Creepy Edition

 

 

Fatty’s alive and announced that he’s coming to the studio…  

 

 

A “What’s uuuuuuuuup” and an “I love you” to “the girl that does the traffic.”  

 

 

Someone propositioned Mat for some hot, basketball box-out action.  

 

 

A drunk 10 year old. Enough said.  

 

 

A female caller used the radio equivalent of the undeserved “Hi, it’s me” when she claimed to be Mat, Mahoney, and Carlos’ favorite listener.  

 

 

   

 

 

   

 

 

7 a.m.

 

 

   

 

 

Mahoney fought the vending machine and ate all the beef sticks out of it.  

 

 

Mat’s impression of the vending machine attendant was inexplicably Italian.  

 

 

   

 

 

Carlos is embarking on his European excursion this afternoon (side note: his flight leaves from LAX at 4 p.m. He hasn’t packed for the two and a half weeks abroad or located his passport yet, and has $11 in his pocket.)  

 

 

A caller warned him of the gypsies in Italy. Mat figures they will take him in as one of their own.  

 

 

Aside from the antics bound to ensue in Amsterdam, Carlos is looking most forward to seeing Rage Against the Machine at the Electric Music Festival in Barcelona.  

 

 

   

 

 

Pop Trash

: Fox , LeDouche, and BAG. Another Sandler on the way.

 

 

   

 

 

8 a.m.

 

 

Ruggy came in to help the 91X Morning Show get their Yelp on—Memorial Day style!  

 

 

   

 

 

Where to get your burger on

:

 

 

• Rocky’s in Crowne Point 
• Western Steakburger in North Park 
• Waterfront in Little Italy 
• Burger Lounge in Kensington 

   

 

 

Tonight

! Free sake and sumo wrestling from 8-9 p.m. at Aubergine, downtown.

 

 

Ruggy’s recommended Junior High throwback

: Buck-O-Nine and Sprung Monkey at Canes

 

 

   

 

 

Mat said that Cabo Wabo in Pacific Beach is where Wilford Bro-mley hangs out. Mat’s got jokes.  

 

 

   

 

 

Stache Bash

recap:

 

 

A hypnotist, Lobster Bob, is going to help Mat quit smoking.  

 

 

   

 

 

The Pageant highlights

:

 

 

“Water Buffalo” and his V for Vendetta mustache  

 

 

“Jeff” with his homage to Wilford Brimley  

 

 

“Ellen DeGeneres” and her French-tickler  

 

 

“The Worst 91X Mustache” and his patchy mess  

 

 

“The Only Asian in Lakeside” and his ‘A’-for-effort stache  

 

 

And the female fan-favorite, “Pacific Rim”  

 

 

   

 

 

9 a.m.  

 

 

Mahoney said his left ventricle is sore. Mat didn’t care.  

 

 

   

 

 

Fatty called in… sober!  

 

 

Mat found out that the drinking establishment that fuels Fatty’s fervent consumption of alcohol is the Tumbleweed Junction in Anza. Other bars tend to fend him off.  

 

 

   

 

 

Apologies to Bucky Lasik, once again, as there is no time to fit him in today. Perhaps Tuesday, Bucky.  

 

 

   

 

 

What did we learn?

 

 

Carlos learned that Fatty’s alive.  

 

 

Preston learned that Mat’s a dick.  

 

 

Mahoney learned that Mat likes to get “posted up” at the Boys and Girls Club.  

 

 

Mat learned that he should probably not be hypnotized by someone named ‘Lobster Bob.’  

 

 

   

 

 

   

 

 

-SS

 

 

 

 

Mahoney brought Carlos’ headphones to the Stache Bash, and blamed their misplacement on the Promotions Department. He brought them to plug into the recorder to get audio for this morning’s show, but forgot the SD card needed to do so. He blew it.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat remembered a simpler time. A time when he didn’t have the sleep schedule of a coal miner.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mahoney learned that Jesse Taylor excused himself from (i.e. ditched) the show yesterday because of baby-momma drama.  

 

 

   

 

 

6 a.m.  

 

 

It is a joyous day, indeed, as the Greek life at San Diego State resumes its demise. In addition to the two fraternities suspended as a result of the drug bust, two have been expelled for hazing and alcohol abuse.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat, despite reeling from the excitement that can only stem from a night’s worth of booze and mustached men, admitted that during the Stache Bash he could not stop fantasizing about the mayoral debate concurrently being recorded on his DVR.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat referred to the two tornadoes in Riverside as God’s version of an ‘Adopt-a-Highway’ program.  

 

 

Mahoney called them giant leaf blowers.  

 

 

   

 

 

The morning show learned that Mahoney’s mustache was actually funded by Steve Francis’ mayoral campaign committee.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat’s mustache resembled Captain Morgan’s (a Mo-stache, perhaps?)  

 

 

   

 

 

What’s on the Internet?

Half-assed Edition

 

 

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080119184441AA9fW3o   

 

 

   

 

 

Mat became self-conscious after his mike went limp.  

 

 

   

 

 

Drunk Dial Line!

Creepy Edition

 

 

Fatty’s alive and announced that he’s coming to the studio…  

 

 

A “What’s uuuuuuuuup” and an “I love you” to “the girl that does the traffic.”  

 

 

Someone propositioned Mat for some hot, basketball box-out action.  

 

 

A drunk 10 year old. Enough said.  

 

 

A female caller used the radio equivalent of the undeserved “Hi, it’s me” when she claimed to be Mat, Mahoney, and Carlos’ favorite listener.  

 

 

   

 

 

   

 

 

7 a.m.

 

 

   

 

 

Mahoney fought the vending machine and ate all the beef sticks out of it.  

 

 

Mat’s impression of the vending machine attendant was inexplicably Italian.  

 

 

   

 

 

Carlos is embarking on his European excursion this afternoon (side note: his flight leaves from LAX at 4 p.m. He hasn’t packed for the two and a half weeks abroad or located his passport yet, and has $11 in his pocket.)  

 

 

A caller warned him of the gypsies in Italy. Mat figures they will take him in as one of their own.  

 

 

Aside from the antics bound to ensue in Amsterdam, Carlos is looking most forward to seeing Rage Against the Machine at the Electric Music Festival in Barcelona.  

 

 

   

 

 

Pop Trash

: Fox , LeDouche, and BAG. Another Sandler on the way.

 

 

   

 

 

8 a.m.

 

 

Ruggy came in to help the 91X Morning Show get their Yelp on—Memorial Day style!  

 

 

   

 

 

Where to get your burger on

:

 

 

• Rocky’s in Crowne Point 
• Western Steakburger in North Park 
• Waterfront in Little Italy 
• Burger Lounge in Kensington 

   

 

 

Tonight

! Free sake and sumo wrestling from 8-9 p.m. at Aubergine, downtown.

 

 

Ruggy’s recommended Junior High throwback

: Buck-O-Nine and Sprung Monkey at Canes

 

 

   

 

 

Mat said that Cabo Wabo in Pacific Beach is where Wilford Bro-mley hangs out. Mat’s got jokes.  

 

 

   

 

 

Stache Bash

recap:

 

 

A hypnotist, Lobster Bob, is going to help Mat quit smoking.  

 

 

   

 

 

The Pageant highlights

:

 

 

“Water Buffalo” and his V for Vendetta mustache  

 

 

“Jeff” with his homage to Wilford Brimley  

 

 

“Ellen DeGeneres” and her French-tickler  

 

 

“The Worst 91X Mustache” and his patchy mess  

 

 

“The Only Asian in Lakeside” and his ‘A’-for-effort stache  

 

 

And the female fan-favorite, “Pacific Rim”  

 

 

   

 

 

9 a.m.  

 

 

Mahoney said his left ventricle is sore. Mat didn’t care.  

 

 

   

 

 

Fatty called in… sober!  

 

 

Mat found out that the drinking establishment that fuels Fatty’s fervent consumption of alcohol is the Tumbleweed Junction in Anza. Other bars tend to fend him off.  

 

 

   

 

 

Apologies to Bucky Lasik, once again, as there is no time to fit him in today. Perhaps Tuesday, Bucky.  

 

 

   

 

 

What did we learn?

 

 

Carlos learned that Fatty’s alive.  

 

 

Preston learned that Mat’s a dick.  

 

 

Mahoney learned that Mat likes to get “posted up” at the Boys and Girls Club.  

 

 

Mat learned that he should probably not be hypnotized by someone named ‘Lobster Bob.’  

 

 

   

 

 

   

 

 

-SS

 

 

 

Mahoney brought Carlos’ headphones to the Stache Bash, and blamed their misplacement on the Promotions Department. He brought them to plug into the recorder to get audio for this morning’s show, but forgot the SD card needed to do so. He blew it.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat remembered a simpler time. A time when he didn’t have the sleep schedule of a coal miner.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mahoney learned that Jesse Taylor excused himself from (i.e. ditched) the show yesterday because of baby-momma drama.  

 

 

   

 

 

6 a.m.  

 

 

It is a joyous day, indeed, as the Greek life at San Diego State resumes its demise. In addition to the two fraternities suspended as a result of the drug bust, two have been expelled for hazing and alcohol abuse.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat, despite reeling from the excitement that can only stem from a night’s worth of booze and mustached men, admitted that during the Stache Bash he could not stop fantasizing about the mayoral debate concurrently being recorded on his DVR.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat referred to the two tornadoes in Riverside as God’s version of an ‘Adopt-a-Highway’ program.  

 

 

Mahoney called them giant leaf blowers.  

 

 

   

 

 

The morning show learned that Mahoney’s mustache was actually funded by Steve Francis’ mayoral campaign committee.  

 

 

   

 

 

Mat’s mustache resembled Captain Morgan’s (a Mo-stache, perhaps?)  

 

 

   

 

 

What’s on the Internet?

Half-assed Edition

 

 

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080119184441AA9fW3o   

 

 

   

 

 

Mat became self-conscious after his mike went limp.  

 

 

   

 

 

Drunk Dial Line!

Creepy Edition

 

 

Fatty’s alive and announced that he’s coming to the studio…  

 

 

A “What’s uuuuuuuuup” and an “I love you” to “the girl that does the traffic.”  

 

 

Someone propositioned Mat for some hot, basketball box-out action.  

 

 

A drunk 10 year old. Enough said.  

 

 

A female caller used the radio equivalent of the undeserved “Hi, it’s me” when she claimed to be Mat, Mahoney, and Carlos’ favorite listener.  

 

 

   

 

 

   

 

 

7 a.m.

 

 

   

 

 

Mahoney fought the vending machine and ate all the beef sticks out of it.  

 

 

Mat’s impression of the vending machine attendant was inexplicably Italian.  

 

 

   

 

 

Carlos is embarking on his European excursion this afternoon (side note: his flight leaves from LAX at 4 p.m. He hasn’t packed for the two and a half weeks abroad or located his passport yet, and has $11 in his pocket.)  

 

 

A caller warned him of the gypsies in Italy. Mat figures they will take him in as one of their own.  

 

 

Aside from the antics bound to ensue in Amsterdam, Carlos is looking most forward to seeing Rage Against the Machine at the Electric Music Festival in Barcelona.  

 

 

   

 

 

Pop Trash

: Fox , LeDouche, and BAG. Another Sandler on the way.

 

 

   

 

 

8 a.m.

 

 

Ruggy came in to help the 91X Morning Show get their Yelp on—Memorial Day style!  

 

 

   

 

 

Where to get your burger on

:

 

 

• Rocky’s in Crowne Point 
• Western Steakburger in North Park 
• Waterfront in Little Italy 
• Burger Lounge in Kensington 

   

 

 

Tonight

! Free sake and sumo wrestling from 8-9 p.m. at Aubergine, downtown.

 

 

Ruggy’s recommended Junior High throwback

: Buck-O-Nine and Sprung Monkey at Canes

 

 

   

 

 

Mat said that Cabo Wabo in Pacific Beach is where Wilford Bro-mley hangs out. Mat’s got jokes.  

 

 

   

 

 

Stache Bash

recap:

 

 

A hypnotist, Lobster Bob, is going to help Mat quit smoking.  

 

 

   

 

 

The Pageant highlights

:

 

 

“Water Buffalo” and his V for Vendetta mustache  

 

 

“Jeff” with his homage to Wilford Brimley  

 

 

“Ellen DeGeneres” and her French-tickler  

 

 

“The Worst 91X Mustache” and his patchy mess  

 

 

“The Only Asian in Lakeside” and his ‘A’-for-effort stache  

 

 

And the female fan-favorite, “Pacific Rim”  

 

 

   

 

 

9 a.m.  

 

 

Mahoney said his left ventricle is sore. Mat didn’t care.  

 

 

   

 

 

Fatty called in… sober!  

 

 

Mat found out that the drinking establishment that fuels Fatty’s fervent consumption of alcohol is the Tumbleweed Junction in Anza. Other bars tend to fend him off.  

 

 

   

 

 

Apologies to Bucky Lasik, once again, as there is no time to fit him in today. Perhaps Tuesday, Bucky.  

 

 

   

 

 

What did we learn?

 

 

Carlos learned that Fatty’s alive.  

 

 

Preston learned that Mat’s a dick.  

 

 

Mahoney learned that Mat likes to get “posted up” at the Boys and Girls Club.  

 

 

Mat learned that he should probably not be hypnotized by someone named ‘Lobster Bob.’  

 

 

   

 

 

   

 

 

-SS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 a.m.

Mat was delighted by a high-speed chase yesterday that included all of his favorite elements of a pursuit: it spanned the city, reached speeds well over 100 mph, demolished a light pole, smashed into a Jack in the Box, picked up a few tacos, and ran across the street to a liquor store, all without any injuries.

Mahoney mentioned that the story will probably appear as a mission in Grand Theft Auto 5.

 

 

 

Mat declared that he and Mahoney are officially MySpace stars, but not in the negative way one would expect (i.e. highlighting Mahoney’s fondness of encountering females through the site.) Instead, a 91X listener posted the question Mat proposed to listeners yesterday about the incident with his wife. 157 responses from around the world contained effeminate name-calling directed at Mat. He particularly enjoyed the British fellow who dubbed him a “wanker.”

 

 

 

Mat decided that the only solution for Chris Young getting “punched in the face with a ball” (there’s got to be a better way to say that) is to send him some 91X Morning Show “NO BALLS” stickers for his nose.

 

 

 

Mat, attempting to imitate a Canadian caller, proved yet again that he does incredibly awful impressions. His interpretation of our Northern neighbor came out as an odd combination of Mexican and Irish.

 

 

 

What’s on the Internet? http://japanesebugfights.com/ 

 

 

 

Mat asked Mahoney and Carlos what the greatest advancement of mankind has been since fire and the wheel.

Carlos suggested American Idol.

Mahoney answered “the web-cam.”

 

 

 

But no! It is, in fact, the mustache. The answer is always mustache. SO the answer to what you are going to do tonight has to be the Stache Bash. Help us celebrate Carlos’ 21^st birthday AND send him off to Europe with memories of the mustache mayhem that will ensue.

 

 

 

7 a.m.

Preston the Morning Show Manservant was sent to retrieve cigarettes for Mat.

 

 

 

Mahoney, after many, many dates and hundreds of dollars, finally kissed his MySpace honey. Mat teased him for being a man-tease and asked listeners if Mahoney is floating into the friend zone or making the right decision by acting like a lady. All the female callers told him to go for it, while the men were more reserved. Complete chaos.

 

 

 

Mat referenced Grey’s Anatomy. Enough said.

 

 

 

Pop Trash: Bye, bye, bye to Pearlman, someone’s fattening up the Olsen’s, and American Idol finally ended.

 

 

 

8 a.m.

BEER FOR BREAKFAST! Mahoney’s review of Flying Dog’s Road Dog Porter made for the tensest segment the morning show has experienced in quite some time. Mahoney rated it a 2.5 of 5 Mahoney Mugs after an agitating interview from Mat.

 

 

 

Mat thought it tasted like chew spit, beer, and mossy earth.

 

 

 

Preston the Morning Show Manservant took off his clothes and hugged Mahoney. It was uncomfortable.

 

 

 

Mat asked (again) what the greatest advancement of mankind has been.

Mahoney said the Klondike Bar.

Carlos said the printing press.

 

 

 

Some people just never learn that the ANSWER IS ALWAYS MUSTACHE! Don’t be one of those people. Come to the Stache Bash tonight.

Need help with your stache? We’ve got answers.

 

 

 

9 a.m.

Mat wanted to give gorillas PCP and drop them on someone somewhere. This came out of nowhere.

 

 

 

Some guy named Barkley called in on Jesse Taylor’s behalf. He told Mat and Mahoney that Jesse didn’t show up because he could either be in Mexico (50% chance), sleeping, hungover somewhere (35% chance), or just he just completely forgot (another 50% chance.) Barkley doesn’t pay much attention to math.

 

 

 

Mat’s going to quit smoking. He thought about going to a hypnotist (or, as Mahoney would say, “hypotist”) and asked listeners if they had any luck with that method. One caller compared hypnotism to a placebo; he was convinced it would work if the one being “hypotized” convinced himself. But, another caller trashed that theory after lighting up and telling Mat that hypnotism failed him.

One caller determined to quit could not be “hypotized,” so he tried the highly-recommended “taser-directly-to-the-junk” method.

 

 

 

Stache Bash. Tonight. Be there. Be drunk. Drunk dial. (858) 560-5911

 

-SS

5:30 a.m  

 

 

Mat Diablo, bearded and miserable, was weary from a restless night.

 

 

 

6 a.m.  

 

 

The Stache Bash is fast-approaching! Join the 91X Morning Show crew tomorrow (Thurday, May 22) at the 7 10 Beach Club in Pacific Beach for the official celebration of facial hair and the birth of Carlos.

What’s in it for you, you ask?  

 

 

Limited edition “NO BALLS” stickers, and a chance to see Foxboro Hot Tubs at the Belly Up on Monday.

Don’t have a mustache?  

 

 

It’s OK, Preston can’t grow one either. Therefore faux-staches will be available upon arrival.

 

 

 

Mat speculated that the alcohol ban on the beaches of Del Mar had something to do with a certain Carlos Montoya and his 21^st birthday behavior, as the dates coincided perfectly.

 

 

 

What’s on the Internet? http://www.rentometer.com/ 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 a.m.  

 

 

Carlos crushed Mat’s excitement of the new ‘Wii Fit’ game by saying it is only for “chub chub” kids.

Mahoney suggested that Nintendo come out with ‘Wii Strip’ as its next act of brilliance. Apparently he has been too bashful to strut his stuff at the last few ‘amateur nights’ at his local lady-time bar without a Wii way of practicing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pop Trash:  Alba’s off the market, and if the Hoff wasn’t washed up enough… 

 

 

 

8 a.m.  

 

 

Mat questioned his quality of companionship to his wife after he excused a booze-filled ‘bro’ for hitting on her at Carlos’ birthday get-together. He wasn’t aware that he had given her a little “go-team” spank until the next day, and asked callers if he had failed at his husbandly duties by not retaliating.  They, for the most part, agreed that he did right by his wife to not let loose on the guy since he had no idea she had been goosed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “Your Vegas is Showing.”

“Oh yeah? Well I’m going to PB your IB, baby. Maybe even put my El Cajon in your Mission Valley.”

 

 

 

9 a.m.  

 

 

Eric Bidwell, now officially endorsed by the Carlos Montoya, came into the studio (in an “F#%k you, Steve!” shirt, no less) to talk to Mat about the future of San Diego.  This home-grown San Diegan spoke of self-government and a different approach to the dirty ethics of politics. He is just a “real dude” ready for change, and looking to his fellow San Diegans to help make that happen. Oh yeah, and he has dreads.

 

 

 

KUSI will air the mayoral debate he’s participating in tomorrow.

 

 

 

-SS

5:30 a.m.

The day has finally arrived! The Carlos “Dark Lord” Montoya is officially, finally, 21!

Mat Diablo apologized on behalf of 91X to all of the drinking establishments Carlos has (illegally) frequented around San Diego over the past ten or so years. 

 

 

 

Mat announced that he would present Carlos with a gift every hour.

 

 

 

In mustache news, Mat looks like an alcoholic, verbally abusive T-ball coach from La Mesa.

 

 

 

6 a.m.

First hour gift! Mat removed the picture of Carlos’ sister from the desktop of his computer.

Mat’s wife made Carlos cupcakes.

Mahoney gave Carlos a bagel.

Sammi the Intern gave Carlos a 40 of Mickey’s—fresh from the brown paper bag.

 

 

 

Mat suspected Carlos, belligerently stumbling around his neighborhood in celebration, had something to do with the vandalizing of the signature hole at the Torrey Pines golf course. Even Carlos said it was probable.

Mahoney speculated that the two-word vulgarity etched into the sand was, “Vote Obama.”

 

 

 

Mahoney cursed the men behind the undercover prostitution sting in Escondido.

 

 

 

The Padres lost again. Mat and Mahoney feared they have completely ruined Jake Peavy’s life since he appeared on the show, as talk of the Disabled List pushes him deeper into his downward spiral.

 

 

 

X-Fest recap: Mat and Mahoney reminisced about how the Hooptie Car Show made for incredible people-watching at X-Fest. The dudes behind one Hooptie entry, a champagne-gold, ’95 Saturn, actually wrecked their car in the parking lot of Qualcomm. One of the kids had to seek hospital assistance (i.e. get stitches in his forehead), but Mat saw him later on, running around with a beer in each hand.

Mahoney noted that the strippers that hosted the Hooptie Car Show were girls of great distinction. Mat agreed and said they are most likely just working on their theses.

The driver of the crowd favorite, a Buick Skylark the color of rust and broken dreams, was spotted brown-bagging a Sparks and throwing back an airplane bottle of 99 Bananas.

 

 

 

Mat challenged 944 to cover an actual party, and cordially invited them to review the Stache Bash.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s on the Internet? http://sadtrombone.com/ 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stache Bash Update: Join Carlos and his mustached mates at 7 p.m. Thursday night at the 7 10 Beach Club in Pacific Beach.

 

 

 

7 a.m.

Second hour gift! Strawberry and Watermelon Boone’s Farm, airplane bottles of Crown Royal, Jager, 99 Bananas, and Early Times.

 

 

 

Bob Grimm gave the 91X Morning Show the scoop on what was on the big screen this weekend.

 

 Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian: Grimm said he is sick of these Jesus/lion movies already. Mat asked if it is similar to the Wizard of Oz. Grimm seemed disgusted by the question and just answered, “What? No, because that was good.”  He gave it a 1.5 of 5 popcorn buckets because the religious overtones bug him.

 

 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Grimm said this movie was great for two reasons: 1. Harrison Ford 2. Shia LeBeouf. He gave it a generous 3.25 of 5 popcorn buckets.

 

 

 

Pop Trash: Douchebag McGee and Britney Spears have a sex tape, Douchbag McGee #2 and Jennifer Aniston are in love, and Douchebag McGee #3 and Ashlee Simpson tied the knot.

 

 

 

8 a.m.

Another day, another interview that made Mat weep for the future.

Mat and Mahoney talked to Tim, the creator of ‘Hot Girl Maps,’ about his benevolent service to lonely men (Mahoney) who electronically-seek beautiful women in Southern California.

The website lays out a city, and maps where the hot girls hang out. Every type of hot girl is accounted for:

Artsy hot girls, college hot girls, cougar hot girls, professional hot girls, rich hot girls, smart hot girls, sporty hot girls, and the elusive “test your luck alone” category.

 

To avoid any misogynistic undertones, they have a woman on staff who writes the ‘hot tips’ and ‘hot spots.’

Mahoney is anxiously perched at his laptop in preparation for San Diego’s ‘Hot Girl Map’ that will be up and running sometime in the next two weeks.

 

 

 

Drunk Dial Line!

X-fest attendees raved about Pennywise and the overall drunken good time.

One guy just wanted to let Mat and Mahoney know that his beer pong team went 4-1 that night.

Fatty woke up on the side of a dirt road, walked 7 miles through tumbleweeds, and vaguely recalled that the “crazy big chick” he had picked up “got out of hand and his junk wouldn’t work.” He asked the guys to call the paramedics for him.

 

 

 

9 a.m.

Mat, a certified mixologist, invented four shots completely unique to the 91X Morning Show for Carlos to take on this most epic of days.

 

 

 

Dirty Steve Shot: Mahoney said this one smells like despair. It included Jager, orange juice, strawberry Boone’s Farm and Crown Royal.

 

 

 

The Muppet: The lady-killer shot. 99 Bananas and Boone’s Farm Watermelon.

 

 

 

X-Peeps.com: Mat said this one smells like an oil fire. Early Times and strawberry Boone’s Farm. Carlos spit it out all over the studio.

 

 

 

The Dark Act: The black shot. 99 Bananas, Jager, Early Times, Crown Royal, and watermelon Boone’s Farm. This shot was sprayed all over the wall of the studio as well, proving that when it comes to the ‘Dark Act,’ Carlos can dish it out, but can’t take it in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The big gift! Mahoney made Carlos sexy coupons.

 

 

 

Mat and Mahoney are paying for Carlos to have one night at the W, so he can get busy without the hassle and humiliation of hiding his hoes from his “roommate.”

 

 

 

Carlos was hammered by the end of the show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Join the 91X Morning Show crew for Carlos’ official 21^st birthday party this Thursday at the 7 10 Beach Club. The drunken debauchery begins at 7 p.m., no cover before 8.

 

 

 

-SS