91X Morning Show with Mat Diablo

5 :30 a.m.

Great Moments in Douchebaggery: Mat Diablo spent $200 on a golf ensemble for the Punk Rock ProAm, but it didn’t arrive in time for the event.

Mahoney said that Carlos, as the resident brown guy, would not be allowed to play the “Border Hole” at the ProAm, but Mat corrected him, “No, you’re thinking of the Country Club hole.”

Mat had to own up to the bet he made last week that if the Padres lost even one game to the Mariners, he would re-circumcise himself. He asked Sammi the Intern to perform the procedure.

6 a.m.

Buddy Black’s career died with a sigh of, “Ohh noooooo,” in the middle of addressing Mahoney.

Mat asked Carlos why he pulled the Euro Cup audio in German gibberish instead of English.

You’ve met Fatty and South Bay J, now meet Champagne Mike! He, also a frequent caller, occasionally brings Mat and Mahoney champagne. Mat saw Champagne Mike’s balls fall out of his shorts a few times on the Catch and Release Mandate.

A shady character at the wedding Mat attended this weekend offered him a copy of the Verne Troyer sex tape.

He declined on the grounds that hotel sex, when you’re married, is like having exciting sex with a stranger. And he wanted to be able to perform.

What’s on the Internet? http://boobsforbarack.com/

 One of the boobs from boobsforbarack.com ominously mocked Mahoney.

Drunk Dial Line!

We do not deliver pizza.

We will not call you back.

We will not call the authorities for you.

Now, dial away…

A PSA about hydration.

Josh McGuire in La Mesa, stop being a little bitch.

“We’re all ten inches from his face; I want to put my balls on it. I want to smear mayonnaise on his ass.”

Mahoney’s pit of penis and fries, and Bob Vila.

Fatty’s, “Gon’ hoggin.’”

Someone gave Mahoney and Carlos a shout out, but forgot about Mat, “I know I’m forgetting one…”

7 a.m.

Bob Grimm called in to irritably review this weekend’s blockbusters.

WALL-E: A Masterpiece. A dark, twisted masterpiece. It made $62.5 million opening day. No robot wang, no human wang, no animated wang.

Grimm rated it a whopping 4.932 of 5 Surprisingly High Popcorn Buckets.

Wanted: A much better film that the previews make you think.

“It’s good. Nerdy guy turns into cool assassin.” $51.1 million good.

Grimm didn’t remember to check for wang, but there is definitely some Angelina Jolie butt.

A 3.567 of 5 Content Popcorn Buckets.

Pop Trash: A supermodel passes, Troyer tape restrained, and New Wave Nigel upsets Devo.

 The Punk Rock ProAm is TODAYat the Salt Creek Golf Course in Chula Vista!

Verne Troyer’s Penis taunted Mahoney before popping him in the forehead.

“You can’t see me!”

8 a.m.

Jay Leno Inside of a Robot made an appearance.

Mat replayed the Coldplay interview from Friday, in case you missed it!

Mat went to a wedding this weekend in the bustling metropolis that is Reno, Nevada. After two or eight glasses of wine, he had to relieve himself. Startled midstream, he jumped back and had to painfully cut himself off when he noticed an 11-year-old girl watching him go to town on the urinal. He asked callers, “What is the cut-off for taking children of the opposite sex into the bathroom with you? Because I don’t feel like being a sex offender.”

9 a.m.

After Carlos informed Mat that today is June 30, not July 1 as he has been saying all morning, Mat decided it wasn’t worth it to try to provide listeners with any accurate information this morning.

On a related note, the news at the top of the hour became infinitely more interesting.

Mat said that if he and Carlos had a lovechild, it would just be a weird jellyfish with a mustache.

Jay Leno In an Attic distracted Mahoney and Carlos during Pop Trash.

 Mat thanked Sammi the Intern, Mahoney, and Carlos for not reminding anyone of his “re-circumcising” deal, and then retracted the thanks since none of them corrected him on today’s date.

Carlos thanked Mahoney for doing his part for AIDS prevention.

Sammi the Intern thanked the US Postal Service because they will most likely deliver Mat’s $200 worth of golf clothes as soon as he returns from the Punk Rock ProAm.

Mahoney thanked the judge in the Verne Troyer sex tape trial for keeping that travesty private.

-SS

Today for What’s on the Internet we feature a site that highlights one of the basic principles of teh intarwebs.

Celebrity death rumours. It seems like Ian MacKaye dies on the internet at least once a month. same goes for the Hoff. Sometimes Charleton Heston dies in the internet even after hes died in real life.

With that in mind, we present you with JaredRemembered.com.

Yesterday the (fake) news of Jared the Subway guy’s death spread through the internet like wildfire.

This, my friends, is why the internet is awesome.

Did you hear that Disturbed died? All of them. Monorail accident. Spread the word.

5:30 a.m.

Mat Diablo checked in with Kevin Garnett, Michael Turko, R. Kelly, and the Cookie Monster.

 Then Undead Shaq made an appearance.

Mahoney’s Penis told him he’s retiring and moving into an aluminum house in Bakersfield.

“It’s apparent you have no use for me anymore…”

And, after sharing a sappy text message he sent to his lady-friend, Mahoney’s pride told him he hates him.

6 a.m.

Drunk Dial Line!

The “good time” Cookie Monster checked back in.

Tight pants are called “mangina pants.”

Adult men in Anza all live with their moms.

Fatty couldn’t feel his face, thought he was dying again.

The Drunk Baby called back.

Mat drunk-dialed himself with a nude free-style.

An army of cats that look like Hitler will be sent after Mat and Mahoney.

Kevin Garnett called.

Fatty called, naked, from a garage in Anza. “That’s no way to go through life, son.”

What’s on the Internet? http://jaredremembered.com/

After seeing the KYXY Cash Cube and briefly listening to Big Boy’s Neighborhood, Mat decided to just give away a Padres VIP package without any wackiness.

7 a.m.

Mat reminded everyone that if the Padres lose even one game to the Mariners, he will re-circumsize himself.

SPECIAL GUEST!

Coldplay called in to talk to Mat about Brian Eno, Viva la Vita, and having the number one record in America.

They said that Eno came in and, essentially, just tore up their rulebook. So, they wrote another rule book and he tore up that one too! They admitted it was difficult at times to go against their musical instincts, but that it is, “such a great treasure to be challanged.”

They also incorperated a unique ”world music” feel; they wanted to delve further into the genre than merely shaking a tambourine in the background.

In addition to making records and touring and ruling the world, Coldplay has been working with Green Nation to “tidy up” the messes they make when they tour.

Keep an eye out for Coldplay in San Diego this fall!

Pop Trash: Troyer sues TMZ, Murray divorce official, and Goldblum takes the Law and Order into his own hands.

Mahoney and Carlos both missed their kickball game last night. Carlos was at a free Rich Dad, Poor Dad seminar. Mahoney had to watch the So You Think You Can Dance finale with his lady-friend. Needless to say, Mat was extremely disappointed in them.

Mahoney’s Dawson’s-Creek-esque text message left Mat no choice but to refer to him as “Pacey” from now on.

The Flaming Hot Cheetos that Mahoney was eating told him that, although they were glad he was eating them, they are not breakfast. They also reported on how empty he was inside.

8 a.m.

In kickball news, 2 Balls 1 Cup shut out Team Seven 10-0.

Ruggy came in on behalf of Yelp, as he does every Friday, to help you Get Your Yelp On!

Places to go after beating your kickball opponent 10-0

Where to get your victory on:

Disneyland!

Pink Elephant: $2 Tecate and Ms. PacMan!

U31: Official kickball after-party place. Ruggy spins, Mat does amateur stand-up.

As always, grab some bubbly and hit The Tubs!

Where to get your event on:

Critical Mass at Balboa Park

Air Guitar Championships at Viejas

Scarlett Symphony at Ken Club

Buddy Akai at the SD Sports Club

Hot Dog Cart Giveaway at Qualcomm

Iron Maidens at Canes

Ruggy got a hold of a picture of Mat’s balls and mass-emailed it to their kickball team as the new team logo.

NEW GAME! Professional Golfer? Or Former Member of Menudo?

Jose Maria Olazabal: Golfer!

Xavier Serbia: Menudo!

Chick Harbert: Golfer!

Johnny Losada: Menudo!

The contestant, an avid golfer and Menudo enthusiast, knew enough to win the last pair of tickets to the Punk Rock ProAm.

9 a.m.

Mat explained that, behind the scenes from time to time, Sammi the Intern falls asleep. When that happens, he blasts “Peg” by Steely Dan from his studio into the production studio to jerk her awake. It always works, just adding to the immense trauma she suffers working as his intern.

SPECIAL GUEST!

DJ Kilmore from Incubus called in from Topanga Canyon to talk about the band and the Punk Rock ProAm!

In addition to everything he does (and does extremely well), Kilmore is an accomplished theremin player. Mat told him he doesn’t think it’s fair to call him a DJ, he is more of an electrician.

Kilmore is actually an avid golfer, but plans to partake just as much in the drunken debauchery as the ball-hitting.

As the touring off of Light Grenades winds down, the members of Incubus have very different plans: Mikey and Brandon are heading back to school, Jose is having a baby, and Ben and Kilmore plan to tour solo until the whole gang reunites to write another record next year.

Mahoney’s Penis called from a truck stop to tell him he missed him and was heading home.

Carlos thanked Mahoney’s Penis for taking some time out to come on the show.

Sammi the Intern thanked Mahoney for being creative enough to pull lines off Dawson’s Creek.

Mat thanked Mahoney for sharing a part of himself (while playing the Dawson’s Creek theme song.)

Mahoney thanked his lady-friend and his penis for coming back.

-SS

I was in no shape to show up to work the way I was feeling today. It felt like when I was sleeping, some snuck into my house and punched me right in the face and then dropped the people’s elbow across my chest. Can you smell what I’m cooking? I can’t believe I incorporated the Rock into my blog (It’s been a long day).

I usually take a nap right when I get home, for at least an hour to recharge. Yesterday I didn’t. A few friends had called during the show wanting to go surfing, of course I said yes. We went out for at least 2 and a half hours. The water is so warm and the air is so hot that you could stay out there, with out a wet suit, for hours. After a nice sesh (cha bra!!) we split. Instead of eating lunch I chose to surf, I went directly home because I was starving.

I made myself dinner, sat down in front on the TV and watched SportsCenter with a nice cold beverage. You can’t beat that. Watching SportsCenter with a beer, God bless the USA. I notice myself getting tired, but waking up so damn early on a daily, I always feel tired.

Before I knew it, it was 415am, the next day!!! I had falling asleep with half a plate of food next to me and my, then cold, beer still upright in between my legs. I’m usually at work by 430am. I live at least 20 min away (do the math). I was still in my sea crusted board shorts and smelling like crap. Thank god my body clock woke me up, other wise I would’ve slept through the show. Waking up with a half a plate of day old food means one thing when I’m running late, breakfast. Everyone’s done it. Eating day old food isn’t really that bad…besides I justified in my head because I was late.

I showed up to work today haggard and smelling like a Steve West’s balls. I didn’t shower, I practically didn’t change and I was late, but at least I ate…That’s why I love radio.

Today for Whats on the Internet, we feature a site that we all hope is a sign of things to come…turning our favorite movies into video games. After a spirited discussion about which would be better, The Jerk: the video game, or Young Einstein: the video game, we revealed todays featured site.

The Princess Bride: the video game

awesome.

5:30 a.m.

Mat Diablo told listeners that there are very few difficult parts of his job. One, however, is when something awful and unfortunate happens to the United States or here in San Diego, he must report on it.

Thus, Mat reluctantly reported that Verne Troyer made a sex tape. He watched it, as “research,” to provide everyone with necessary details and precautions.

Mahoney was put on time out in an air conditioner vent.

6 a.m.

Mat’s remedial Larry King impression made a less-than-triumphant return as he asked Mahoney about billiards, Nebraska, and why he was reporting sports from inside a wall.

Shaq, no longer a reserve deputy sheriff in Phoenix, has also been stripped of his badge in Bedford County, Virginia. Apparently he had been part of, ”Operation Blue Ridge Thunder,” a special unit targeting Internet sex offenders.

“You have probably noticed by this point that I am not a 14-year-old girl, but I am, in fact, Shaquille O’Neal.”

What’s on the Internet? http://www.princessbridegame.com/ 

Larry King From the Heavens interviewed Mahoney about his semi-gay tendencies as Mahoney attempted to recap So You Think You Can Dance.

He was mocked incessantly.

7 a.m.

A Verne Troyer sex tape, man.

Sounds like a heavyweight, older man thoroughly enjoying an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.

Looks like a grown woman making out with a baby doll.

Mat sought the worst conceivable sex tape.

Some awful blasts from the past (no pun intended):

Paris Hilton, Bam Margera, Tanya Harding, Gene Simmons, and Dustin Diamond. 

Fred Durst, “Go ahead, rub my d***.”

Mat asked listeners for any other celebrity sex tapes that would make them want to gouge their eyes out in a fit of horror.

Included were Danny DeVito, and a tape of Michael Jackson and Liza Minnelli that would inevitably have the same effect on viewers as the video from The Ring.

The caller that suggested Rocky Dennis and Janet Reno won tickets to 1978 Retro Night at Petco Park as the Padres take on the Mariners.

Pop Trash: Reese Witherspoon is the highest paid leading lady, Oprah back on the T-Bone, Simpson and Romo still smitten with one another, K-Fed offered multi-millions, $immons daughters are worth $20,000 each.

8 a.m.

BEER FOR BREAKFAST!

Franziskaner Hefe-Weissbier

Twelver, last one, bottom shelf, no freshness date, stored in the 91X communal fridge: all of these things contributed to Mat’s bitter beer face.

(Larry King said that his balls look like a bitter beer face.)

Mat said it has the color of a trucker bomb.

Mahoney tasted hints of banana and bubble gum from the Bavarian yeast.

Mat, having been a hyperactive child, had authority to say that the beer tasted like duct tape.

It also tasted like German machinery.

Mahoney said it felt like carbonated water in his mouth.

Mat thought it felt like the slop from a mop bucket after a Steely Dan concert. Mixed with divorce.

Usually his favorite beer, Mahoney had to give this bitter batch of Franziskaner Hefe-Weissbier a 1.6 of 5 on Mahoney’s Beer Scale of Supremacy.

Carlos said that Mat’s Shaq impression sounded like Darth Vader.

NEW GAME! Professional Golfer? Or Local Proctologist?

Lionel P. Hebert: 1957 PGA Champion!

Michael Goldhammer: Proctologist!

Kevin Haines:Proctologist!

Jock Hutchinson: 1920 PGA Championship!

Jim from Oceanside knew enough about players of both golf and proctology to win a pair of passes to the Punk Rock ProAm on Monday!

9 a.m.

Mat and Mahoney debated over who the original Rough Riders were: Teddy Roosevelt’s crew or DMX’s crew.

Scott Russo of Unwritten Law, an alumni of the Punk Rock ProAm, called in to discuss Monday’s events.

Unwritten Law is playing the after-show following the ProAm; Mat asked if Russo will be in the right state of mind to play a show. Russo assured Mat that he is a professional; he’s been doing this sort of thing for years.

Russo said that he has seen the Kottonmouth Kings’ infamous golf cart, and he’s pretty sure you can smoke the entire thing. Like if Hansel and Gretel were stoners and needed a ride.

Unwritten Law has a live DVD and CD coming out on September 16, and are currently recording their seventh studio album!

Carlos thanked Steve West for not making a sex tape.

Sammi the Intern thanked the chick from the Verne Troyer video for taking one for the team and hookin’ our little buddy up.

Mat thanked for Mahoney for bringing terrible beer.

Mahoney thanked the Supreme Court for guns and what not.

-SS

On Mahoney….

Our friend Mahoney often accuses me of being an elitist, primarily when it comes to all matters involving politics, music, and environmental concerns. But when it comes to a topic that he is equally passionate about (i.e. BEER), he has proven himself to be the true elitist.

To wit:

In planning Beer For Breakfast for tomorrow’s show I requested that he bring a beer in that does not have the consistency of syrup and the general color of tar. Mahoney likes his beers hoppy and chunky, and I, your loyal host, know next to nothing about beer, except for the fact that most of the beer than Mahoney drinks tastes like a forest.

SO: I proposed that Mahoney review a type of beer that I like for Beer for Breakfast tomorrow. That beer is a Fruit Lambic. It’s the beer that I drink whenever we go to Neighborhood in the East Village.

(not to be confused with the super rad band Limbeck, btw.)

Mahoney’s response? “Yeah, why dont we review Zima while we are at it?” Mahoney thinks that reviewing a fruity beer would compromise the integrity of his precious Beer for Breakfast.

SO: true to his Republican brethren, Mahoney accuses everyone around him of being elitist and closed-minded, yet utilizes those very same tactics when it suits his needs.

your thoughts? discuss.

EPIC LOLZ.

So after a wonderful dinner and many Belgium Triples at the Karl Strauss restaurant downtown last night I decided to head to my favorite man cave/watering hole/cigar shop Excalibur Wine and Cigar off of Clairmont Mesa to wind down and finish watching the Padres game.

Things were looking fantastic through the first 8 innings. Jake Peavy started. He threw for 6 innings and gave up only one run in that time along with racking up 6 strike outs on the night.

He did the damn thing.

THEN the 9th inning rolls around. The Padres and Twins were tied 1 – 1 and in comes The HOFF.

No, not Mr. David “This is a mess” HassleHOFF but our future hall-o-famer Trever Hoffman. He struck out the first two batters right of the bat…things were looking good….1 out to go…..then he throws the next pitch and guess where it ends up?

That’s right…..OUT OF THE DAMN PARK. OK I think to myself it’s not that bad, we can still pull this out but THE VERY next pitch another batter goes yard. That’s when I start literally yelling at the TV.

The Padres finally manage to get the last out and we go to the bottom of the 9th where we mount no offense at all and went down 1, 2, 3.

The Padres lose.

I lose my buzz.

Hoffman is now 1 – 5 on the season on top of countless other other blown saves that he didn’t get the loss for.

So my wonderful evening was ruined after those back to back shots. The Padres still have a shot at the NL West. I want them to win the NL West….This has to stop. It literally ruined my evening. I was enjoying a fine cigar and reveling in a fine crafted stout and all I could see was red and the taste in my mouth was bitter. I could no longer enjoy the rich flavors of my two favorite vices.

Sadness ensued.

Nobody can deny what Hoff has done in his career is amazing, in his prime he was damn near one of the best closers the game has ever seen. I just think it’s time for him to gracefully bow out on top before things get worse and start becoming sad and embarrassing.

Please just think of the children…

and think of the beers lovers like myself too.