91X Morning Show with Mat Diablo

5:30am

A foreshadowing of todays show begins with Diablo stating “today will be an epic day”…

When questioned about Carlos’ newest attempt at bringing in the green to fill his gas tank, aka the donation sensation deposit (”DNA contribution”) at the sperm bank, he responds with much apprehension. Yesterday, Dirty Balls Montoya attended the initial screening to green light his eligibility for his deposit. Drum roll please….Do not pass go. Do not collect $100.  Much to his wallets dismay, Carlos did not receive his oh so desired green light. Unfortunately, the banks interrogation uncovered the cold hard facts of Carlos’ failed attempt at the D.A.R.E. program and Dirty Balls is uneligible at this point in time. The red light will not beat down on his windshield for long. The light will turn yellow once again come August 1st when Carlos will be allowed to try his luck at project donation once again.

 6am

One may ask, what’s the deal, Mahoney? How long were you planning on holding out on San Diego? Beer for breakfast on this fine Thursday of 2008 brings about the 26th anniversary of dear Mahoney.  Carlos and Diablo can’t help but feel butt-hurt that their co-host and good friend neglected to inform them of his passage through the birth canal 26 years ago today. 

There are consequences to Mahoneys convenient verbal birthday omission. The festivities of the day commence with a shotgun start as Diablos demand for some serious chugging action is casted upon Mahoneys so far, unspoiled stomach. A rack of coconut cupcakes is brought into the studio followed by 2 cases of beer and a special brown bag 40 oz. surprise. Schlitz Malt Liquor nestles between the two walls of the bag and Diablo commands Mahoney to pound the beverage. The goal for today is none other than to get Mahoney chemically inconvenienced by 9am.

“The armoa of alcohol on your breath is apparent”, “please consider trimming your nose hair/ear hair”, “your back hair is sticking out of your collar”. Ever wished you could say these without verbal communication or confrontation? www.nicecritic.com is the anonymous way to send a helpful message. Kill them softly with todays featured website for What’s on the Internet.

Our Phoenix friend Dixon Payne, mastermind of the douche-inspired hit “Gaslamp Bars” has concocted yet another delightful ditty entitled “I Banged a Cougar” pasted on Katy Perrys’ melody ”I Kissed a Girl”. Perk your ears to the Paynful poetry at http://www.myspace.com/dixonpayne

7am

 The ritualistic birthday gift giving has begun coursing through the veins of the 91X Morning Show. Carlos verbally unwraps all three of his gifts and they are as follows:

1. One full years subscription to Eharmony.com

2. One full years subscrpition to www.singlestube.com where he can upload videos of himself  while perching comfortably on the branch of Singledom for all the animals of the kingdom to see.

3. While attending the induction of the High Dives’ newest dish, “Carlos’ Cranberry Covered Balls”, Carlos’ drunken encounter with an attractive female brought out his inner Chuck Woolery which resulted in a potential date for Mr. Jason Gentry, aka Mahoney.

And on that note…THE Tommy Chong has just entered the 91X studios…

 Conversation starts with a thrilling tidbit: Cheech and Chong performed as a pair for the first time lastnight in La Jolla at the Comedy Store. Diablo commands Mr. and Mrs. 91X and all the ships at sea to sell out the next 5 shows that Cheech and Chong have mapped out in San Diego. Tickets are a measly $25 so fullfill your obligations as a San Diegan and make them proud they chose our city to perform for the first time in many years.  Mr. Chong has also announced his recently written book “The Unauthorized Autobiography of Cheech and Chong” is set to release August 15th. History is truly in the making. On a slightly disappointing note, we were just informed that Cheech has shaved the ’stache…

8am

Mahoney is still getting crap from Diablo and Carlos for witholding his birthday from them…

Morgan aka Captain Morgan (recently promoted Promotions Director for 91X) joined us alcoholics in the studio today for beer for birthday! Locally brewed Stone India Pale Ale is todays thirst-quencher. Diablo believes the scent of this brew is comparable to that of opening up a zip-loc bag of used undergarments and inhaling a whif. It also runs parallel to sweet, sweet revenge, says Mat. Mahoneys constructs the quote of the day by stating Stone IPA is the “Macgyver of beers”. Both jocks are buzzed. Just thought that blunt and simple statement would do our audience some informative justice. Morgan is peering at Mahoney like he’s the drunk old guy on the trolley. Cheers!

Eldridge called in to say “I’m glad you were born” and Fransisco shares a birthday with Mahoney. With that beind said, Diablo presents his gift options to Mahoney. Behind door number:

One: Diablo will purchase tickets to see Bill Cosby in September at Viejas with Jello shots to follow.

Two: One years subscription to Bacon of the Month

Three: Diablo will pick Mahoney up at his house on Saturday morning and take him out on a Mandate. Location undisclosed until or unless Mahoney picks what’s behind door #3.

After much consideration and deliberation, Mahoney chose door #3 and Diablo unviels the location of their personal Mandate. The City of Sin, Las Vegas, is their destination where they will “duel and play swords” within the comfort of their suite of the $49/night Fitzgerald OR the $80/night Tropicana.

9am

Throughout the scramble to scrounge some birthday gifts for Mahoney lastnight, Diablo attempted to heard strippers for this mornings occasion. Instead, Lilly, the morning shows favorite exotic dancer from Dream Girls, calls in to wish Mahoney a happy birthday. She admits she could not make it due to only one in tact eyelash this a.m. For redemptions sake, she gives a verbal gift certificate to Mahoney for a lap dance at Dream Girls this afternoon, which he will be taking advantage of.

 Jennifer, the gorgeous dame Carlos met yesterday at the High Dive, requests Mahoneys company on a date and Mahoney happily accepts. Love connection status.

Diablo would like to thank Tommy Chong for joining us today.

Mahoney would like to thank the beautiful Lilly from Dream Girls for extending the offer for a titilating lap dance for his birthday.

Carlos would like to thank Tommy Chong and would not like to thank the clinic that rejected his attempt at donating his DNA.

Intern Jonnie would like to thank, for Mahoneys sake, the High Dive for getting Carlos intoxicated enough yesterday to completely forget the Eharmony account password.

 -Jonnie

Today for Whats on the Series Of Tubes (no disrespect to the future felon Ted Stevens), we feature another “useful” website.

STFree.com

From the website:

STFree Certifications is a private new age, innovative company that has been fighting the spread of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including HIV/AIDS for the last 2 years in some of the highest infected neighborhoods in the country. STFree’s preventative methods used is what makes the company truly unique.

STFree acts as a 3rd party entity by verifying and storing individuals STD testing information with their consent. We then provide all of our members with an ID we call the Safe Sex License (SSL). The Safe Sex License is a confidential identification card that is issued by STFree. It gives its users access to their important STD testing information 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. As well as, giving potential sexual partners, with the member’s permission, access to this information.

So…you know…good luck with that.

Hobgoblin Imported Dark English Ale has 5.2% ABV. Served from a single pint aluminum can that was brewed on a unknown dates. The beer was purchased at Keg-N-Bottle on El Cajon and College at 9:45 p.m. on July 24^th. It was priced at $10.99 for a 4 pack…it was not on sale.

Hobgoblin is an English Brown Ale which tends to be maltier and sweeter on the palate, with a fuller body. Some versions will lean towards fruity esters, while others tend to be drier with nutty characters. All seem to have a low hop aroma and bitterness.

Proper Glassware: Pint Glass or Mug

Serve @: 45-50°F

Look: Pours a dark red and golden mahogany, with a hazy tan head. There is almost no lacing on the sides of the glass.

Smell: A sweet aroma with wafts of chocolate and roasted nuts.

Taste: Full bodied with a faint caramel undercurrent with sweet malt and raisins being the most dominate flavor coming through this brew. There is a subtle fruity yet bitter finish.

Feel: It has a light and watery mouth feel with very little carbonation.

Drinkability: This is a occiasional dinner beer and defiantly not a daily drinker.

Food pairing recommendations:

Cheese; Asiago, Colby, Parmesan

Meat; Maple Glazed Pork Chops,  

2.6 out of 5 on the Mahoney’s Beer Scale of Supremacy

 

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Today on What’s On The Internets we feature an idea so ingenious that it could have only come from a cannibis-induced late night brainstorming session.

Dollarhotdogs.com

Now, just for a moment, suspend your disbelief. Forget the obvious technical hurdles and possible hygene issues.

This. Is. Awesome.

On a related note, Preston from Loudspeaker SD always seems hungry and broke, so the 91X Morning Show is going to be sending him one hot dog a day for the next 30 days. Keep listening to track his progress.

5:30am

Carlos still getting phone calls from loyal friends of the 91X Morning Show. Todays first call was received at 3:30am. Carlos possibly threatening his most frequent caller to announce HIS number on the air.

Mahoney starts off the morning by complaining of his upstairs neighbors late night Rock Band jam session. He took it upon himself to venture outside of his home at 9:45pm and record evidence of these late night shenanigans in order to report them to his complex mananger. Carlos chalked Mahoneys bitterness up to his ongoing failed attempts with women while Mahoney lashed back by sarcastically apologizing that he “can’t just go sealing deals with girls behind churro carts.”  

Diablo insisted on finding out what song strokes the morning show crew the right way when they’re panties are in a wad. Carlos’ finds comfort in “I Can Change the World” by Ben Harper. Mahoney dropped a Leona Lewis song while Diablo plunged into the nostalgic toilet of Reading Rainbow and enthusiastically blasted it’s theme song for any who were willing to listen. With a reminiscent gleam reflecting in his eyes, Diablo admitted Levar Burton read to him on Reading Rainbow when he was 10 .

6am

While one caller praised Diablo for his Reading Rainbow drop, Carlos was on the opposite side of the colorful stream spectrum and made it apparent by stating his utter hate for the theme song. One would question why such contempt for this vibrant and joyous tune? At 6:04am, Mahoney assumed Carlos’ rationale behind the hate and expressed that Carlos was indeed illiterate. Diablo thinks Carlos hated Levar Burton and pegged him as a racist. In summary, Carlos is allegedly illiterate and racist.

91X Morning show listener Walker Dog aka Texas Wanker the Pranker took the prank cake by improperly utilizing his girlfriends dirty socks by “taking it out on the net” in them.

At 6:29am, in plopped a text message that read “My prank is that i’m texting you” in Carlos’ inbox. Diablo’d!

Possibly the most brilliant and tummy-pleasing website on the internet lies within www.dollarhotdogs.com. The creator and master mind behind the idea offers to grill, boil, “Foreman”, or nuke (by special request only) and then ship a tube of beefy meat goodness for the bargain price of $1. As an added courtesy, he will only ship to mailboxes facing southwest so that the hotdog may continue roasting whilst in it’s packaging.

Diablo does his part to contribute to charity by signing starving Preston from 91X Loudspeaker up for a full months supply of hotdogs…in part to prevent an emaciated Preston.

7am

 Diablo must establish first and foremost that he detests the word “sperm”. It creeps him out. He prefers “DNA” in lieu of.

With that being said, discussion for Carlos “Dirty Balls” Montoya’s next crack at “stimulating” more cash flow inevitably brings about the idea to donate sper…ahem…DNA. Briefly magnified pros and cons:

Pro: The stronger and more potent the ”shmugglets”, the bigger the bounty.

Con: One must remain abstinent 3-5 days prior to donating.

Pro: It’s $65-$100 a pop! (pun intended)

Con: His too-often worn ”my chem tight pants” may hinder his ability to release a stronger colony.

Pop trash graces us with Miley Cyrus news. Lifestyle Condoms offered the 15 year-old virgin $1million to be their next spokesmodel, who has promised to save herself for marriage. That’s one expensive reservoir tip not to jump on.

8am

“Your roommate was listening…” appeared in Carlos’ text inbox following the “DNA Donation Discussion”. Carlos’ roomie being his caregiver/mother. Carlos also formerly under the impression and wishfully thinking his mom was not tuned in at that given time. Will she put a dent in Dirty Balls’ DNA Donation Dream?

 John from Scars on Broadway educated us on the new self-titled album which drops today. It contains 15 tracks, 16 if you purchase the Japanese version or you can indulge a bit with the iTunes version which features a bonus music video and instrumentals. John painted the streets of San Diego red recently for Comic-con to promote his company www.torpedocomics.com but unfortunately, did not spot the spectacular sight of Mark Wahlberg(Marky Mark) in his now notorious frayed denim shorts. John also spoke with Lars from Metallica recently and stirred up ideas of possibly touring together sometime in the future. Hints of an additional album from SOB before any hopes of System of a Down re-igniting a flame were sporadically spread throughout the tail end of the interview.

Diablo revisits his childhood via the sweet sounds of synth produced from a portable Casio keyboard that echoed the memory of the Reading Rainbow theme.

 9am

Libby from the burlesque dance group “Hell on Heels” was hit on by a fake Diablo! A portly hispanic man extended his hand and introduced himself as the MAT DIABLO. 

Mat is contemplating signing himself up on the imposture roster by considering introducing himself as both Jeff and Jer. 

Diablo would like to thank John from Scars on Broadway for joining us on air today.

Mahoney would like to thank his asshat neighbor for blasting Rock Band at 9:45pm lastnight.

Carlos would like to thank John from Scars on Broadway and TJ from Fort Brag listening along with fellow army comrads.

Intern Jonnie would like to thank the creator of www.dollarhotdogs.com who offers to grill, boil or nuke beefy goodness and ship it to you for the bargain price of $1.

-Jonnie

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