91X Morning Show with Mat Diablo

5:30 a.m.

Mat Diablo requested that neither Carlos nor Mahoney mention kickball until 7:15.

Mahoney said that idea was “gay.” When Mat asked why, Mahoney said he’d tell him at 7:15.

Mat was utterly delighted by the new NFL commercial featuring a song by Morrissey. Mahoney was utterly disgusted.

Sammi the Intern was, again, berated for donning Chicago Bears apparel in Chargers territory. She was told that if she dare wear anything Bears to the Chargers Pep Rally at the High Dive this evening, she would be hanging from the ceiling next to the Panthers pinata.

6 a.m.

Drunk Dial Line!

Included:

“We need to play beer pong, but you guys suck”; a douche left a girl at the bar; an Atreyu request; Fatty respects natives; a recon man ran to Mexico to “rehydrate” PB; we’re better than depressed people on 105.3; Mahoney is the king of 91X; a long list of expletives made it to the hall of fame; Mahoney is not just gay, but San Francisco gay; and a marijuana song made it into the hall of fame as well.

What’s on the Internet? http://www.thuleroadtrip.com/

Fatty called in to propose a Man Date. He will be allowed back into the casino in Anza on October 5, and wants 91X to join him in the celebration.

Things we learned from the conversation with Fatty:

He would suck a lot of inappropriate things if he could get paid for it.

The mayor of Anza is a goat named Opie.

A man sits on a red couch at the entrance to Anza and welcomes all passersby.

Fatty slept with a bearded woman.

7 a.m.

Kickball Recap

Team 2 Balls 1 Cup demolished team BAMF 12-0.

Mat, always a gracious winner, was disappointed in the poor sportsmanship of team BAMF– Mahoney and Carlos in particular.

He brought some special guests on the phone to talk about the games.

Ruggy explained what Mahoney was wearing–picture Ben Stiller’s character in Dodgeball if he were sponsored by Under Armor– while the rest of the team wore their designated purple jerseys.

Mat and Ruggy called out Carlos and Mahoney on all the trash talking they have been doing lately (and did not even come close to living up to.) But Carlos, in a delusional fit, kept claiming that his team won.

Team BAMF was renamed team Balls Are My Favorite.

Mat named Sammi the MVP for her performance and her good attitude. (She kicked the ball so hard her shoe flew off.)

He then pointed out that the problem with the team dynamic (or lack thereof) of team BAMF stems from the fact that their coach threatened to kill himself, and the manager claims to be the only good player on the team.

Ruggy agreed, Mahoney exploded.

Mahoney’s tantrum was a manic mix of poor sportsmanship, uproarious nonsense, and just good ol’ fashioned stubborn douchebaggery.

Sammi reluctantly revealed that she doesn’t like herself nor her teammates being represented by such poor sports. She told Carlos and Mahoney to learn their lessons, stop talking trash (i.e. shut the F up), and learn what they can from the veteran players.

Mahoney kicked her off the team immediately.

Pop Trash: Jamie Lynn Spears custody battle, other Spears will open VMAs, and Lohan declines Playboy offer.

8 a.m.

Ruggy came in to help you get your yelp on during happy hour around San Diego!

Where to get your early evening eat and drink on:

South Beach Bar and Grill in OB: Cheap food and drink, including the best fish tacos in town and root beer schnapps!

Wine Stealsin Point Loma: Sophisticated fun!

Costa Brava in PB: Tapas and sangria galore!

Where to get your event on:

ASR downtown

The 91X and Frightening Lightning Pep Rally @ the High Dive

Bob Dylan @ Qualcomm Concerts on the Green

Super Diamond @ Belly Up

Transfer @ Casbah

Fing @ Ken Club

Slightly Stoopid and Pepper @ OAT

Unwritten Law @ Wavehouse

John Lee Hooker JR @ Humphrey’s

CHARGERS GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As usual, check out yelp.com to fill your social calendar with all the best that San Diego has to offer.

9 a.m.

You need to see this.

SPECIAL GUEST!

Mat and Mahoney spoke to Dan Stupp from MMA Junkie about the match-ups included in this weekend’s UFC 88.

 Mat snuck in a question about sportsmanship to prove what an ass Mahoney was being about the kickball game.

Stupp said that, from his experience, trash talking is usually reserved for those who know they are lacking the talent and skill actually necessary for the job at hand (or foot, in Mahoney’s case. Hi ho.)

Stupp agreed that Dan Henderson (local boy and guest on yesterday’s show) will definitely take his fight on Saturday.

Other picks included Franklin over Hamill, and Liddell over Evans. Mahoney agreed, and became enamored with Stupp. He spent the remainder of the interview with his lips affixed to Stupp’s underside.

ANOTHER SPECIAL GUEST!

Miles from Slightly Stoopid called in to talk about Saturday’s stop on the Tailgate 2008 Tour with Pepper and The Expendables at the SDSU Open Air Theater.

More Pop Trash: New Ghostbusters flick, Underwood calls Simpson fat, and see Slacker Uprising for free.

Carlos thanked Mat Diablo for teaching him humility.

Sammi thanked Mahoney for releasing her from Team BAMF as she’ll be better off as a free agent. She also thanked the bearded lady Fatty was talking about.

Mat and Mahoney thanked Opie, the goat mayor of Anza.

Holla back, marijuana.

-SS

 

 Standard Podcast [33:59m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

6 a.m.

Carlos, a walking-talking bucket of fail, locked his keys in his car without a spare set. Poor (literally) little Sammi the Intern was sent all the way to Solana Beach to pick him up.

Mat Diablo offered to help Carlos get back into his car with the classic “brick through the windshield” technique.

What’s on the Internet? http://totallylookslike.com/

Mat, due to the high volume of requests, played the Gaslamp Bars song.

Man Date (Mandate) V: Suits and Cigars

Join the 91X Morning Show at the Turf Club at the Del Mar Racetrack this Friday for the classiest Man Date yet! 

Not only will food and cigars be provided for your eating and smoking pleasure, but 91X wants to give you cash and use of an on-hand handicapper to make sure you win big!

A truly classy affair, proper attire (suits and dresses) must be worn! Also, the copious amounts of alcohol that will be consumed require that all attendees be at least 21.

7 a.m.

NEW GAME!

 Racehorse? Or Steven Seagal Movie?

Clementine: Steven Seagal Movie!

Native Dancer: Racehorse!

War Admiral: Racehorse!

Mercenary for Justice: Steven Seagal Movie!

Pistol Whipped: Steven Seagal Movie!

The two callers that could differentiate between the two won admission to the Man Date, and all the fabulous luxuries that accompany it!

Pop Trash: Batman accused of assault by mom and sister, K-Fed kicked off Broadway, Swayze is a miracle, and Leno’s last day next May.

Jay Leno From Space commented on his departure. But it was gibberish.

Jimmy Fallon’s career ominously spoke to Mahoney before it fell down a well.

Mat received an email from a man saying that Jay Leno From Space brought him and his wife back together after one morning’s fight.

8 a.m.

Eric and Ingrid from The High Dive brought in three meals for the guys to try, and decide which to name and feature on the menu.

The dishes:

Mahoney’s Meatballs of Shame: Meatballs in a cranberry sauce.

The “You Got Diablo’d” Hot Wings, or Carlos’ “Tainted Love” Chicken Wings: Chicken wings in a lime and honey sauce.

Carlos’ Little Brown Balls on a Milkshake: Whoppers on a chocolate malt.

A caller suggested that the hot wings be dubbed the Douchebag Diablo Wings, but the guys agreed that the meatballs were the most delectable.

And thus, Carlos’ Cranberry Covered Balls became the new item on The High Dive’s menu.

Mahoney’s Penis suffered a fit of jealousy when he was told nothing would be named after him. Then he fell down a well.

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

Everyone has that one great story; the one you tell time after time at parties and dinners, that is so ridiculous and unbelievable there is no way it could have been made up.

Sammi the Intern told Mat the greatest story ever told:

Her best friend’s older sister’s friend was dog-sitting for a family on vacation, and the dog died a few days before their return. The girl called the vet to have them remove the dog from the house, but they said it would cost $300 to do so. She mentioned that if she had that much money she would not be dog-sitting.

They told her if she brought it in to the pet hospital, they would dispose of it for $50. She agreed, not wanting the family’s pet to rot in their living room.

She called a multitude of friends to give her a ride to the hospital, but they were all either at work or just didn’t want a dead dog in their car.

So, she shoved the dog into one of the family’s duffel bags and headed toward the “EL” (the train in Chicago.)

Eighty pounds of dead weight (literally) and seven blocks later, she slumped into a seat on the train and could finally relax for a minute.

She looked around at her fellow riders when she noticed a handsome gentleman smiling at her. She sat up, and he went over to a seat near hers to begin chatting her up.

After a bit of friendly small talk, he asked her what was in the bag.

“Oh, I’m moving. These are just the last of my valuables that I didn’t trust the movers with,” she responded, pleased with her off-the-cuff explanation.

A few minutes later, the train pulled up to her stop. He stood up as well, noting the coinicidence that it was his stop too.

As she struggled with the duffel bag, he politely offered to carry it for her since they were headed in the same direction anyway. She agreed. It was eighty pounds, for Christ’s sake.

As soon as she handed him the bag, however, he took off with it! She chased him, but he got away. So there she was, blocks away from the pet hospital empty-handed.

And she had to explain to the family that not only did their dog die, but someone stole its deceased body from her.

And the guy thinks he made off with a bag stuffed with valuables, but opens it to find a bag full of dead dog.

Today’s winner of sold-out Comic Con tickets was James from PB who sent in this amazing tale:

If you think you have the Greatest Story Ever Told, email it to morningshow@91x.com to win sold-out Comic Con tickets!

9 a.m.

Play beer pong- get herpes.

Practice safe pong, kids. There is a 230% increase in the Herpes strain that causes cold sores. Much like Carlos, the problem is the dirty balls.

More Pop Trash: Brooke Hogan is setting women back 50 years (surprise, surprise.)

Jay Leno From Space’s head imploded.

 Carlos thanked the CDC for helping him practice safe pong.

Sammi thanked Eric and Ingrid for pointing out how many foods Carlo’s balls resemble.

Mahoney thanked Carlos for missing half the show.

Mat decreed that there will be no talk of balls or penis tomorrow.

-SS

5:30 a.m.

Mahoney was pissed at abusers of the Drunk Dial Line. 

He tried to check it last night around 11 in preparation for this morning’s show, but it was busy for an entire hour before he gave up. It was so frustrating sifting through painfully tedious messages from the same two dialers to get to the good stuff that Mahoney began to resent the public service in its entirety.

6 a.m.

Two callers, Mike and Lily, were both at the 3 a.m. screening of The Dark Knight. The projector cut out halfway through the screening; rage ensued.

Lily, a stripper/friend of the 91X Morning Show, tried to incite a riot and rally the underpaid workers.

Her friend just asked, “Wait, is that the end?”

Mahoney’s new pick-up line is, “I don’t have any friends.”

Drunk Dial Line!

Joel and Benji Madden have a triplet named Mat Diablo.

Redneck hatred.

Someone said to YouTube ‘San Diego dry hump.’

Someone finally used the DDL for its intended purpose.

Fatty likes ’shmoggles.’ Fatty does not like ’schmiglets.’

Mahoney’s balls called and begged him to play with them.

“Carlos Montoya, you are a biiiiitch.”

What’s on the Internet? http://www.couchsurfing.com/

Moose, a dreadlocked friend of the 91X Morning Show, auditioned on air to be the official morning show handicapper. He gave expert advice about who to bet on and how to bet on them at today’s first installment of 4 O’ Clock Fridays at the racetrack.

And then he added, “But you should never listen to a word I say.”

7 a.m. 

Nothing makes Mat more excited than when a celebrity discovers the Internet. Its like when your parents do.

A new company, GotVmail, decided to pay Gary Busey to babble about the company. Mat pointed out that in between his incoherent rambles, Busey is definitely wheezing.

Nothing sells a product like the indiscriminate sounds of an old crazy man having trouble breathing as he dispenses psycho-sage-like advice about nothing in particular.

“When life cracks your head, use a helmet.”

They also played audio from the former Comedy Central show I’m With Busey.

“Why are there always people screaming in the background when Gary Busey around?”

Mahoney’s penis called in to ask what the hell they were all talking about.

Check out some classic Busey here!

Pop Trash: Shreveport’s finest tase actors, Emmy nod for Silverman, Denise denied, Aniston’s monthy spending spree, and KD Lang is a chick?

Mat and Ruggy’s kickball team, 2 Balls 1 Cup, was shut out by the tutu-adorned The Pink Tacos in a completely emasculating and pathetic moment in the history of athletics. Epic fail.

 Mat’s performance was so bleak that he ended up benching himself.

8 a.m.

Ruggy came in to help you Get Your Yelp On in Del Mar in honor of the first installment of 4 O’ Clock Fridays today!

Where to get your Del Mar meal on:

En Fuego: Cougars galore!

Market: Sushi while you wait!

Brigantine: Swordfish tacos, but no peg-legged men.

Pizza Port: Drunk chicks and damn good pizza! 

Surf ‘N Saddle: Hot dudes serving drinks!

Where to get your event on:

San Diego Pride Party and Parade on University and Balboa Park

Pride Party at Tractor Room

The “Blow Him Away” fellatio and lap dance workshop at an undisclosed location

Where to get your groove on:

4 O’ Clock Friday with Gwen Stefani’s husband

The Dan Band @ House of Blues

Junkie XL @ Montage

Grand Ole Party@ The Casbah

The Sess @ Beauty Bar

Mat’s favorite Yelp thread of the week: “What makes homeless people horny?”

Visit Yelp.com for the list!

In other Yelp news, the 91X Morning Show is down another half a star. 2 stars. Ouch.

Mat announced that the Black Banana Cougars are opening for Homosexual Divorce at the racetrack for 4 O’ Clock Fridays.

Ruggy compared the Drunk Dial Line to a rainbow exploding from his penis.

9 a.m.

Mahoney’s balls called out the imposter balls that made an appearance on the drunk dial line. Then they fell down a well.

Carlos thanked Fatty for teaching him two new words: ’shmoggles’ and ’schmiglets.’ 

Sammi the Intern thanked Mat for missing band practice even though he and his brothers, Benji and Joel, have a show on Sunday.

Mahoney thanked Lily the stripper and the girl who offered him a place to sleep in PB when he’s drunk.

Mat thanked Lily the stripper’s friend that thought the movie had ended when the projector cut out an hour and a half into the flick.

-SS

Today’s featured site for Whats On Teh Internets is Horseballs.com. It is funny because it has nothing to do with actual horse testicles. Useful if you are an equestrian, I suppose.