91X Morning Show with Mat Diablo

6 a.m.

Mat scoured the ‘net for the very best Criagslist ads.

There he found a request for a small crocheted robot, bikini car wash employees, and a plea to roaches to stop shitting in the fridge.

 

Then Mat checked in with fmylife.com to make Sammi feel better about blowing it this morning.

(She was 40 minutes late after trying to get her keys out of her locked car until 3:30 this morning.)

 

 

What’s on the Internet?

http://www.nin.com/strobelight/

and

http://iparklikeanidiot.com/

and

http://twitter.com/thatsournewband

 

SPECIAL GUESTS!

The Jens from the Padres came in to talk about Opening Day!

Mat called them out for their new “Sonoran Dog.”

 ”No. No, Jen. That’s a Tijuana street dog. Don’t make it sound fancy!”

It was Jen G.’s birthday and she brought US presents. What a sweetheart.

Sammi offered her the day-old Mexican pastries that they left out overnight, but she politely declined.

She will be coming to OUR birthday tomorrow with the Pad Squad, by the way. Just throwing that out there.

 

Everyone that attends Opening Day will receive a hat with the 40th Anniversary logo. Snazzy.

The Jens also reminded everyone that they instituted Friday Friarworks!

Saturday, get an Adrian Gonzalez long sleeve tee.

And Sunday, Padres pillowcases!

Sunday is also Fan Day, when you can watch the guys work out. Mmm. Get some.

The 91X Morning Show will be giving away AM/PM All You Can Eat Seats for Opening Day at our live birthday broadcast tomorrow morning!

 

THE 91X MORNING SHOW 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Join us TOMORROW MORNING at the 7 10 Beach Club in PB for a FREE party honoring our first year on the air!

Can you believe it!?

Performances by Asher Roth and Iglu & Hartley will provide the soundtrack for a day of drunken celebration.

 Celebrity Guests Confirmed Thus Far: Sam the Cooking Guy, Ahmed Ahmed, The Pad Squad, Abby from a galaxy far far away, and many more!

 7 a.m.

ANOTHER SPECIAL GUEST!

City Council Member Todd Gloria came in to inject the 91X Morning Show with a dose of political awareness.

Mat and Gloria had met before. Mat was almost the first naked person to answer the door while Gloria was (literally) hitting the campaign trails going door to door.

Gloria admitted that it’s not an accident all his favorite restaurants are in his district.

Mat humbly asked if Gloria would be the show’s official political correspondent. He enthusiastically accepted.

The 30-year-old accomplished councilman in a snazzy suit made the 29-year-old nose ring-wearing radio host with a beer gut feel a bit inadequate.

Mat asked Gloria some hard-hitting questions:

Q: Are we broke as hell?

Gloria explained the serious budget challenges that the city faces. He invited Mat up to Viejas this afternoon to try to remedy that.

Q: If the $43 million deficit led to a proposal to close down numerous libraries and rec centers around San Diego, then what should we expect from a $60 million deficit?

A: Additional closures, rolling brown outs, layoffs. All bad news.

Q: Are we out of water?

A: This is much more problematic than the budget situation as people can get by without a rec center, but not without water.

San Diego is in a prolonged drought and Gloria is currently trying to figure out a way to institute restrictions on water use.

Mat made a note to remind Mayor Sanders to stop watering his driveway.

Gloria praised Sanders for observing the “yellow mellow, brown down” policy.

Mat praised Carlos for recycling his bong water. He’s also been drinking more beer and showering once a week with 4 people to preserve water. Kudos, lil’ buddy!

 

Pop Trash: Kid Rock, Vince Neil, and Steven Seagal all honorary sheriffs; Heidi Montag claimed she was pregnant; Dane Cook and Twilight hoax; and movies that should be in 3-d.

 

8 a.m.

BEER FOR BREAKFAST

Amy Granite, a freelance writer and booze enthusiast, came in as this week’s beer ambassador.

Granite is a self-proclaimed “Triple Whore,” or a big fan of Belgian Triples.

BUT she brought in Ballast Point’s Victory at Sea Coffee Vanilla Imperial Porter, almost the opposite of what she usually drinks.

Victory is a limited release brew that can be extremely hard to find!

Granite would not reveal her sources, but DID say that Friday night Hamilton’s is tapping their last Victory keg.

Ballast Point teamed up with Caffe Calabria, a North Park roasting house, to blend beer and coffee in one magical bomber.

Victory usually goes for $18 at Torrenado, and $13 at Hamilton’s. That’s how fancy it is.

Granite explained that, in addition to the coffee and vanilla flavors, the roasted malts taste like cereal. Thus, the perfect breakfast beer.

Mat thought it tasted like the first time he got to 2nd base. It was with a young girl named Samantha who wore a lot of “If you like Clinique Happy…”. She tasted like perfume, but he was touching boob.

The beer was a little bitter but did indeed taste like victory.

Fun fact: Martha Stewart’s favorite chocolate is in the beer!

Mat noticed that after a sip of Victory, Sammi transformed from a dead Janis Joplin into a young Joan Jett.

It reminded Sammi of The Onion. It’s kind of grown up because you’re reading a newspaper, but it’s completely satirical. Just like it’s grown up because you’re drinking coffee, but it’s still a beer.

Granite’s parting words: “San Diego, good morning! Go get your beer.”

Email beer@91x.com if you want to come in!

And gear up for our Home Brew Challenge.

 

Joe Rogan blew us off. He’s probably at breakfast with Richard Greico and Carson Daly just laughin’ it up.

 

9 a.m.

COLLECT CALL RODEO

The 91X Morning Show plucked collect calling out of obscuity and reappropriated it as their very own prize line!

The game:

Call us collect.

Use the three seconds given to state your name to shout something hilarrrrrrious.

If you’re our favorite and you’re funny, we’ll accept the call and you win!

If not, you helped feed Carrot Top.

Here’s what was yelled:

I got an insider tip on (cut off)

BAM! Amurrica.

America! Fuck yeah! (DON’T SWEAR!)

Naked chicks and lotsa weed…

I’m drinking Slim Fast.

(inaudible gibberish about Mary Poppins and Cotijas?)

Go Padres.

Hey Carlos, take my call you panhandler.

Chicks with dicks.

Joe Rogan.

Want some of my love juice?

Believe it or not my kid looks up to you.

Had a baby, it’s a boy.

Carson Daly.

Mat gave up and gave the 311 tickets to the guy that said, ”Hollaback, marijuana.”

 

So regress to 1998, and dial down the middle. That’s why they call it a pay phone, it pays to call! Hi ho.

 

By the way this game came about because Abby, Carlos’ grandmother, called his mom collect to pick her up from Costco.

 

YET ANOTHER SPECIAL GUEST!

Joe Rogan called in from Nashville and redeemed himself.

He’ll be here on Saturday playing the House of Blues!

Mat asked Rogan what he thinks of Ryan Bader.

Rogan said he saw even more of Bader’s raw talent in his unanimous decicion victory over Carmelo Marrero last night.

They also chatted about Dan Henderson, who will be joining the 91X Morning Show periodically throughout the next season of the Ultimate Fighter to talk about Team America. Rogan said he is one of the toughest dudes on the planet, hands down. Like someone in an old Western movie.

Once at a show Rogan told a crazy drunk heckler that Dan Henderson was going to fuck his wife while he holds the guy down.

Henderson said, “Why would I hold him down when I can stare him down.”

Rogan now has a little baby girl that taught made him much more aware of how deeply you can love someone.

Then he went on one of his famous diatribes about psyhedelics.

Keep an eye out for Rogan’s hour-long comedy special on Spike in June!

 

Carlos thanked the French-speaking Nazi.

Preston thanked Cory Feldman for drinking Slim Fast.

Sammi thanked her mom for calling her at 5:49 a.m. and asking why she’s not at work.

 

Hollaback, marijuana.

 

-SS

5:30 a.m.

Carlos’ dad is on Twitter. Interesting quips about the Talking Heads and a giant cock (the rooster kind) avatar make for one hell of a Twitter page.

Sammi said her dad’s only “tweet” would be, “Playing Battletanx on N64. Need another Old Style.”

Although he could never use Twitter because he is not exactly “computer-literate.”

She’s pretty sure he thinks the Internet can hear him.

Mat told her that all dads have eccentricities.

Devotees will remember that his own dad tried (and failed) to sell a train on eBay.

And Carlos’ dad has an obsession with roosters.

 

6 a.m.

DRUNK DIAL LINE!

Included:

More of Sammi on the Morning Show and more Cheap Thrills; Captain Morgan makes an alcohol commercial; Imagination remake; Carlos has gay shoes; wait until you’re sure you’re pregnant before you tell your stoner boyfriend; stoner says: life is worth living until it’s not livable; 5-hour energy keeps you energies; a letter to Sammi inquires about a kiss that was supposed to happen at the top of a mountain; and the marijuana bongos.

 

What’s on the Internet? http://naked-people.de/

“I’ve never seen this many nips before 7 a.m.”

-Sammi

 

SPECIAL GUESTS!

Jen and Jen came in from the Padres to talk about the new promotions at Petco this season!

Coca-Cola Value Weekends: Get an Upper Reserved ticket, hot dog and a Coke, all for only $12 for any Friday through Sunday regular season home game. Limit eight tickets per purchase.

Padres 5 for $5 Value Deal: Get a hot dog, regular soda, peanuts, popcorn and a cookie, all for only $5 at any regular season home game. Substitute a 16 oz. beer for the regular soda and pay only $10 for all five items.

ampm All-You-Can-Eat Seats (No, you can’t eat the seats): Purchase a Right Field Upper Box or Right Field Upper Reserved ticket and enjoy your favorite ballpark foods, all for one low price. All-You-Can-Eat menu includes hot dogs/veggie dogs, nachos, popcorn, ice cream novelty and fountain sodas.

Trolley Tuesdays: Get $6 off tickets priced $14 or more for any Padres Tuesday home game with a Tuesday Trolley ticket.

Plus much, much more for supporting your Padres.

Oh, and cheaper beer.

7 a.m.

 

ABBY FROM A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY

Grandma Abby, Carlos’ grandmother, called in to aid 91X listeners with love and sex advice.

She is single-handedly in charge of the esteemed Art Center of the senior home in Carlsbad.

Recently a legal US citizen, Abby is wise beyond her years in all facets of life from her years of extraordinary experience.

She is a poet, a writer, a lover, and even had her own radio show back in the day.

By request, the segment was dubbed “Abby from a galaxy far far away.” (Well, Colombia.)

She began with a quote by Vincent Van Gogh, “Love is something eternal. The aspects may change, but the essence never does.”

She then gave a brief history of St. Patrick’s Day before reminding Carlos that he must wear green clothes or he will be pinched!

Randy had a question for her. He asked her how to tell his girlfriend that he’s been cheating her.

She scolded him and asked why boys his age always turn to that sort of lifestyle. Love is something strong that stays with you the rest of your life and he needs to figure that out.

But that wasn’t the end of his question.

He had gotten the “other girl” pregnant.

She told him he has to be a man and be responsible for his actions. She also reminded him that he is responsible for his girlfriend, and needs to broach the subject with understanding and communication.

 It was beautiful advice from a beautiful woman.

After she told everyone to spend some money, save some money, amd start good credit early, she had her husband pretend to be “Father O’Malley” and tell a Catholic joke.

Listen in for next time we check in with our Colombian sweetheart.

Pop Trash: Kanye West’s biggest regret is that he can’t see himself perform live, The Bachelor did something wrong, Chris Brown court date, Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan to make a movie, and Lauren Conrad writes a book.

Sammi realized she needs to cash in on the LC news and start ghostwriting for celebutards. Carlos immediately hired her to write his memoirs. Mat approved, and sent them off to a secluded beach house for a week to write a few chapters to sample to various publishers.

We’re going to be rich!

 

8 a.m.

CATCHING UP WITH THE 91X MORNING SHOW

We’ve had quite a few questions about some of the recent omissions from the 91X Morning Show.

World Record Wednesdays?

They’ll be back! We just wanted to give it a rest for awhile after we anialated so many of them at the record breaking broadcast.

Stay tuned, and keep sending us your ideas!

Sam the Cooking Guy?

He is in the middle of his filming sessions for the next season of his show. He’s about to blow up, man. Soin’ big things. Trust us. But he’ll be back when he’s a bit less busy!

Mahoney?

This is the shitty one.

Mahoney got laid off due to another round of hits to the company’s already laughable budget. We will miss him, of course, but will move on because we love this city. Cheesy, yes, but it’s what keeps the show going. You’re what keeps the show going through the setbacks and sad times.

Mahoney is an extremely talented man who will have no problem moving on with his career.

 

 

Okalahoma declared their state rock song the Flaming Lips’ “Do You Realize?”

Mat researched other state songs…

Montana: 15 beers – Johnny Paycheck

Oregon:  Let’s Smoke Some Pot – Dash Rip Rock

Utah: Let the Eagle Soar – John Ashcroft

Wisconsin: Lavergne and Shirley Theme Song

Indiana: (sad trombone sound)

Florida: Interior Crocidile Alligator

Arizona: Butterfly – Crazytown

Connecticut: Breakfast in America – Supertramp

Mississippi: Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd

Illinois: Superbowl Shuffle – 1985 Chicago Bears

California nominees: California Love, Californication, Going to California, California, Dani California, California Dreaming, and California Uber Alles (WINNER)

 

9 a.m.

SPECIAL PERFORMANCE!

LES CLAYPOOL came in to talk about his Oddity Faire show tonight at the House of Blues and jam with a local Theremin player.

They covered the Residents.

It was unbelievable and epic and weird in the best way possible. LISTEN BELOW!

 

More Pop Trash: A Florida woman called 911 after her local McDonald’s ran out of Chicken nuggees, JetBlue Sale, Myspace execs leave before the fall, and Miley Cyrus lets it all hang out.

 

 Carlos thanked the Dead Kennedys.

Sammi thanked the 1985 Chicago Bears for being the only thing she has to be proud of.

Everyone thanked Les Claypool.

 

Hollaback, marijuana.

 

-SS

5 :30 a.m.

Great Moments in Douchebaggery: Mat Diablo spent $200 on a golf ensemble for the Punk Rock ProAm, but it didn’t arrive in time for the event.

 

Mahoney said that Carlos, as the resident brown guy, would not be allowed to play the “Border Hole” at the ProAm, but Mat corrected him, “No, you’re thinking of the Country Club hole.”

 

Mat had to own up to the bet he made last week that if the Padres lost even one game to the Mariners, he would re-circumcise himself. He asked Sammi the Intern to perform the procedure.

 

6 a.m.

Buddy Black’s career died with a sigh of, “Ohh noooooo,” in the middle of addressing Mahoney.

 

Mat asked Carlos why he pulled the Euro Cup audio in German gibberish instead of English.

 

You’ve met Fatty and South Bay J, now meet Champagne Mike! He, also a frequent caller, occasionally brings Mat and Mahoney champagne. Mat saw Champagne Mike’s balls fall out of his shorts a few times on the Catch and Release Mandate.

 

A shady character at the wedding Mat attended this weekend offered him a copy of the Verne Troyer sex tape.

He declined on the grounds that hotel sex, when you’re married, is like having exciting sex with a stranger. And he wanted to be able to perform.

 

What’s on the Internet? http://boobsforbarack.com/

 

 One of the boobs from boobsforbarack.com ominously mocked Mahoney.

 

Drunk Dial Line!

We do not deliver pizza.

We will not call you back.

We will not call the authorities for you.

Now, dial away…

 

A PSA about hydration.

Josh McGuire in La Mesa, stop being a little bitch.

“We’re all ten inches from his face; I want to put my balls on it. I want to smear mayonnaise on his ass.”

Mahoney’s pit of penis and fries, and Bob Vila.

Fatty’s, “Gon’ hoggin.’”

Someone gave Mahoney and Carlos a shout out, but forgot about Mat, “I know I’m forgetting one…”

 

7 a.m.

Bob Grimm called in to irritably review this weekend’s blockbusters.

 

WALL-E: A Masterpiece. A dark, twisted masterpiece. It made $62.5 million opening day. No robot wang, no human wang, no animated wang.

Grimm rated it a whopping 4.932 of 5 Surprisingly High Popcorn Buckets.

Wanted: A much better film that the previews make you think.

“It’s good. Nerdy guy turns into cool assassin.” $51.1 million good.

Grimm didn’t remember to check for wang, but there is definitely some Angelina Jolie butt.

A 3.567 of 5 Content Popcorn Buckets.

 

Pop Trash: A supermodel passes, Troyer tape restrained, and New Wave Nigel upsets Devo.

 

 The Punk Rock ProAm is TODAYat the Salt Creek Golf Course in Chula Vista!

 

Verne Troyer’s Penis taunted Mahoney before popping him in the forehead.

“You can’t see me!”

 

8 a.m.

Jay Leno Inside of a Robot made an appearance.

 

Mat replayed the Coldplay interview from Friday, in case you missed it!

 

Mat went to a wedding this weekend in the bustling metropolis that is Reno, Nevada. After two or eight glasses of wine, he had to relieve himself. Startled midstream, he jumped back and had to painfully cut himself off when he noticed an 11-year-old girl watching him go to town on the urinal. He asked callers, “What is the cut-off for taking children of the opposite sex into the bathroom with you? Because I don’t feel like being a sex offender.”

 

9 a.m.

After Carlos informed Mat that today is June 30, not July 1 as he has been saying all morning, Mat decided it wasn’t worth it to try to provide listeners with any accurate information this morning.

On a related note, the news at the top of the hour became infinitely more interesting.

 

Mat said that if he and Carlos had a lovechild, it would just be a weird jellyfish with a mustache.

 

Jay Leno In an Attic distracted Mahoney and Carlos during Pop Trash.

 

 Mat thanked Sammi the Intern, Mahoney, and Carlos for not reminding anyone of his “re-circumcising” deal, and then retracted the thanks since none of them corrected him on today’s date.

Carlos thanked Mahoney for doing his part for AIDS prevention.

Sammi the Intern thanked the US Postal Service because they will most likely deliver Mat’s $200 worth of golf clothes as soon as he returns from the Punk Rock ProAm.

Mahoney thanked the judge in the Verne Troyer sex tape trial for keeping that travesty private.

 

-SS

So after a wonderful dinner and many Belgium Triples at the Karl Strauss restaurant downtown last night I decided to head to my favorite man cave/watering hole/cigar shop Excalibur Wine and Cigar off of Clairmont Mesa to wind down and finish watching the Padres game.

Things were looking fantastic through the first 8 innings. Jake Peavy started. He threw for 6 innings and gave up only one run in that time along with racking up 6 strike outs on the night.

He did the damn thing.

THEN the 9th inning rolls around. The Padres and Twins were tied 1 – 1 and in comes The HOFF.

No, not Mr. David “This is a mess” HassleHOFF but our future hall-o-famer Trever Hoffman. He struck out the first two batters right of the bat…things were looking good….1 out to go…..then he throws the next pitch and guess where it ends up?

That’s right…..OUT OF THE DAMN PARK. OK I think to myself it’s not that bad, we can still pull this out but THE VERY next pitch another batter goes yard. That’s when I start literally yelling at the TV.

The Padres finally manage to get the last out and we go to the bottom of the 9th where we mount no offense at all and went down 1, 2, 3.

The Padres lose.

I lose my buzz.

Hoffman is now 1 – 5 on the season on top of countless other other blown saves that he didn’t get the loss for.

So my wonderful evening was ruined after those back to back shots. The Padres still have a shot at the NL West. I want them to win the NL West….This has to stop. It literally ruined my evening. I was enjoying a fine cigar and reveling in a fine crafted stout and all I could see was red and the taste in my mouth was bitter. I could no longer enjoy the rich flavors of my two favorite vices.

Sadness ensued.

Nobody can deny what Hoff has done in his career is amazing, in his prime he was damn near one of the best closers the game has ever seen. I just think it’s time for him to gracefully bow out on top before things get worse and start becoming sad and embarrassing.

Please just think of the children…

and think of the beers lovers like myself too.