Pizza > Preston
5:30 a.m.
The Ray J show on VH1 made Mat and Carlos fear the apocalypse.
Would it have been better to have not existed at all than risk alien life forms finding evidence of such terrible programming?
While on an existentialist note, Mat took the time to answer an email.
“Is it gay if I rollerblade to my roller hockey game?”
Mahoney, a noted physicist, racist, rollerblader, and Hollywood executive, said no. Everyone else said, “A little bit, yes.”
Mat transformed the show into an on-air 411 service when he directed a few hungry road-trippers in Temecula to free Grand Slams at the nearest Denny’s.
6 a.m.
Tommy called in from Denny’s in San Clemente. He was satisfied with his Slam, but the place was a madhouse.
Mat got Sammi and Preston pepper spray for Christmas. Preston keeps his on his keychain. Mat turned the safety off without telling anyone. Preston was fiddling around with it in his pants (ew) while driving to lunch in Mahoney’s car, and unknowingly got some on his finger.
“Dude there’s something in my eye,” quickly became shrieks of painful panic when he realized what was all over the finger he kept rubbing in his eye.
By the time Mahoney figured out what was going on, Preston had started to look like Eric Stoltz in Mask.
He pleaded with Mahoney to head to the hospital, but Mahoney “accidentally” took a wrong turn causing them to sit through three extra stoplights. By then, they were much nearer to the pizza place they were planning to dine at than the hospital. So Mahoney found a parking spot.
Preston charged through the restaurant to the bathroom to rinse out his burning eyes as Mahoney sat down and glanced over the menu.
Mat wondered which was worse: pepper spray, a taser, or a bean bag gun.
He asked Sammi which she would use on which one of them.
“All of them. On all of you.”
What’s on the Internet?
and
http://www.instituteforhumancontinuity.org/
7 a.m.
Patrick Kneller won the Coachella Grand Prize! All three days, camping, everything. Awesome.
Pop Trash: Bonnaroo lineup, Christian Bale freaks out, eBaum’s World founder fired, and 50th anniversary of the Day the Music Died.
Preston, Senior Grand Slam Field Correspondent, called from the line at the Denny’s on Alvarado to report that it was, “Super-long and full of old people.”
Mat made him prance up and down then queue and lead people in an a Capella jam of Aha’s Take On Me. It didn’t quite catch on.
8 a.m.
Mat, in honor of the following Craigslist post from Portland, wanted to hear about everybody’s worst first dates.
“We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive. I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat… What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. I await your call,
Tad P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…”
Mat was excited to hear about the three single people he shares the air with’s worst firsts.
Unfortunately, Sammi was humiliated to admit that she’s never been on a date.
Everybody already heard about the time Mahoney pooped in his car with Capone’s sister.
Mat’s worst first date was with his wife.
He was nervous, and his roommate convinced him to smoke some (read: a lot of) weed to settle down.
They went to a restaurant where she knew everyone. She called him out for being high when he was acting strange, and sent him home.
Luckily they met up later that night and eventually got married. Yay.
ABBY FROM A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY
Grandma Abby, Carlos’ grandmother, called in to aid 91X listeners with love and sex advice.
She is single-handedly in charge of the esteemed Art Center of the senior home in Carlsbad.
Recently a legal US citizen, Abby is wise beyond her years in all facets of life from her years of extraordinary experience.
She is a poet, a writer, a lover, and even had her own radio show back in the day.
By request, the segment was dubbed “Abby from a galaxy far far away.” (Well, Columbia.)
Chris had a question for her, “How do you go about getting two girls at once?”
Abby responded quickly, “That’s easy, you have your mother on one side, and your sister on the other.”
It was adorable.
He asked again, referring to romance.
She told him that one girl one night, and one girl another night is no way to behave (Carlos).
Instead he should buy one of them roses, and take the other to the beach where they can talk about their future. He needs to find one that he can respect and love, and spend his life with.
It was beautiful advice from a beautiful woman.
Listen in for next time we check in with our Columbian sweetheart.
9 a.m.
Preston was leaving his second Denny’s with a belly full of two Grand Slams. On to North Park…
Sammi is currently playing Engine Check Light Rodeo, Gas Cap Rodeo, Side and Rear View Mirror Rodeo, and Rent Rodeo.
THE BOTTOM 40!
When Mat Diablo uses the little power he has to plummet past the pop on top and reach into the depths of the musical charts to dig some gems gleaming with promise and potential out from…
The Bottom 40
News: Canadian JUNO Awards happened, Glastonbury sold out over 130,000 tickets before the lineup was even announced, a documentary about The Hold Steady, Erika Badu blogged and twittered during her daughter’s birth, Mia Zapata’s killer will finally pay, Flaming Lips provide soundtrack to a film about mushrooms, and Bonnaroo & Coachella!
Today marks the 50th anniversary of “The Day the Music Died.”
This week’s featured tune from Mat’s personal musical piggy bank:
Geraldine – Glasvegas
Consider yourselves informed.
Carlos referred to Canada as “the annoying renters upstairs.”
WHAT DID YOU LEARN TODAY?
Lessons learned: easiest way to get two girls together is you’re sister on one side and your mom on the other, Carlos’ grandma is the queen of sick burns, Christian Bale is a douche, ask the girl out of her car before you ask her on a date, and Sammi needs a date (fuck off).
Carlos thanked the three “R’s” of Mahoney’s life: racism, ribs, and rollerblading.
Preston thanked pepper spray.
Sammi was just glad she learned it IS gay to rollerblade to your roller hockey game.
Mahoney thanked Preston’s doppleganger: Eric Stoltz.
Mat was mad at Carlos for stealing his.
-SS
