91X Morning Show with Mat Diablo

5:30 a.m.

Mat asked Mahoney if he had any residual sugar shakes from his 52 second consumption of a Baskin Robbins Large Chocolate Oreo Milkshake.

After a brief exodus after yesterday’s show, he felt fine.

Preston happened to be in the bathroom during said exodus (as he follows everyone into the bathroom), and reported that it sounded like Mahoney put an animal in a wood chipper.

Everyone knows that Mat thinks the funniest thing in the world is tow trucks towing other tow trucks, but yesterday something even better happened: a high speed chase involving a U-Haul.

Mat thought that the Internet did a much better job at covering the chase than the TV reporters did as he followed an entertaining “What’s in the U-Haul?” feed on Twitter.

A Gas Tank Rodeo contestant called in to revel in his victory as he sputtered and rolled into a gas station after a day-and-a-half long round.

6 a.m.

Mat wondered, as many people do, if Cal Worthington is still alive.

Carlos said he’s been a hologram since the 80s.

Cal was born on November 27, 1920.

Four people swore he’s alive, one said there’s no way.

Mat remembered first seeing the commercial when he was 8. Even then he thought, “That’s the oldest guy I’ve ever seen.”

A caller sure that he has passed said that at the bottom of the commercials it says, “Celebrity Impersonator.”

There was only one way to know for sure. Mat punched Cal’s info into DeathClock.com

According to the site, he passed away on Wednesday, November 20, 1991.

Either way, Cal Worthington and King Stahlman are badasses. Pussy Cow.

What’s on the Internet?

http://calworthington.com/

7 a.m.

NASCAR RODEO!

Mat didn’t want to give Sprint Cup tickets to any fair-weathered fans, hence

THE NASCAR RODEO!

The game: two contestants knowledgeable in the world of Nascar would take one another on round robin style to name as many current Sprint Cup drivers as they possibly can.

Jennifer and David went head-to-head for three rounds until she could name no more.

Since Jennifer’s performance was unremarkable, David took on (and defeated!) another challenger, Dave, for 7 rounds.

Dave should have known better than to take on a Georgia man!

So: David was awarded tickets to the Auto Club 500!

Pop Trash: Mickey Rourke NOT wrestling, Aniston refuses Playboy, maybe baby Obama, Hefner doesn’t miss exes, Skynyrd keyboardist dies, and Ted Haggard speaks.

8 a.m.

BEER FOR BREAKFAST!

Saluting our friends in the great state of Baja California, Mahoney chose to review Cucapa Obscura!

Cucapa claims to be one of first microbreweries south of the border.

The Obscura is 4.5 percent alcohol by volume.

It was purchased at BevMo Mission Valley for $8.99 a 6 pack. It was not on sale.

Mahoney spent $32 on today’s beer!

Obscura produced a 2 inch thick off-tan head when poured into a pint glass, but Mahoney said it was the fastest he’s seen head go down in his entire life.

Mahoney gazed through his glass at the siniter burnt mahagony shade of the ale.

Mat told Mahoney about the special mineral content that is used to brew it.

Preston said it smelled like a Bon Jovi concert.

Sammi thought of an armadillo.

Mahoney said that, even though it is brewed in Mexico, it is one of the best tasting American Brown Ales he’s had. Everyone agreed.

Sammi said it tastes like holding hands across the border.

Mahoney agrred, citing the pleasant mouth feel that goes down without effort.

Mahoney would pair it with a reheated California burrito from La Posta.

Or Carne Asada Fries from Super Sergios.

Mahoney rated it a slightly racist 4.3 of 5 on Mahoney’s Beer Scale of Supremacy.

MAT DIABLO’S CRUCIAL LISTS

Top 5 things in Mahoney’s refrigerator unit.

(AKA The ONLY things in his fridge.)

5. Spongebob Squarepants Pushpops

4. Frozen Bags of Snickers

3. Three Cases of Coke

2. A Case of Budweiser

1. Biggest Bag of Frozen Corn Dogs

Bonus items: sadness, mustard, and sour cream.

9 a.m.

Dave Farra of MMAfix.com called in to talk about this weekend’s UFC 94.

Dave corrected Mat, noting that he is from MMAeruption.org and only called in to talk about Stephen Boner.

Mat was happy to hear that MMA Fix has an entire section devoted to UFC gambling action.

Farra agreed that any amount of money increases the fun because you are literally invested in the fight.

UFC 94

Location: Las Vegas
Venue: MGM Grand Garden Arena
Broadcast: Pay Per View

MAIN CARD

• Welterweight champ Georges St. Pierre vs. lightweight champ B.J. Penn (for welterweight title)
• Lyoto Machida vs. Thiago Silva
• Stephan Bonnar vs. Jon Jones
• Karo Parisyan vs. Dong Hyun Kim
• Nate Diaz vs. Clay Guida

PRELIMINARY CARD

• Jon Fitch vs. Akihiro Gono
• Manny Gamburyan vs. Thiago Tavares
• John Howard vs. Chris Wilson
• Jake O’Brien vs. Christian Wellisch
• Matt Arroyo vs. Dan Cramer

Mahoney called the GSP/B.J. fight an epic battle of champions. Farra agreed.

The odds are 2 to 1 in favor of GSP.

Farra thinks that BJ has just been talking a lot of trash to psyche out GSP and try to get a mental edge instead of just standing and fighting his fight.

Farra’s rule: Never ever bet against GSP.

In other fights: the odds are in Silva’s favor, Bonnars been out of the game for 15 months, Parisyan is a talented douche, and Diaz can take a punch or eleven.

Farra thought it was a travesty that the Fitch fight was not put on the Main Card.

Apparently he pissed off Dana White involving something with a UFC video game.

Catch UFC 94 on PPV this Saturday!

More Pop Trash: Porn version of The Office, Jessica Simpson is wearing mom jeans, Tony Romo cheated on her, and the Superbowl refs were announced.

WHAT DID YOU LEARN?

Lessons learned: Carlos doesn’t understand the term “Good Riddance,” mini Snickers make great ice cubes, King Stahlman would kick the crap out of Cowboy Cal, and it’s not “pussy cow.”

Carlos thanked Cal Worthington Dodge: the poor man’s Disneyland.

Preston thanked Mahoney’s fridge.

Sammi thanked Walmart’s Jumbo Bag O Corn Dogs.

Mahoney thanked Cucapa for the best American Ale ever made in Mexico.

Mat thanked the fine citizens of Baja California.

Hollaback, marijuana.

-SS

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5:30 a.m.

Mat pointed out that, while he thrives under the harsh oppression of fluorescent lights, Mahoney, Carlos, and Sammi all prefer to work in a scarcely lit cave of a studio.

Unfortunately one lone bulb directly above Sammi made it through the night and Carlos was forced to work by the glow of his computer monitor.

Mat said that, in a story he wrote once, if an imaginary DEA agent allegedly searched his hypothetical apartment when he was theoretically storing pounds and pounds of marijuana.com, then he would have been charged with a very real felony.

Mat shared this story about gorilla farts.

Then he injected this bit of existentialism to counter it.

6 a.m.

Inspired by Mahoney’s complete negligence of “the Man Code” this weekend, Mat decided to go over some of the ground rules.

Discussed: Beer etiquette, and hooking up with ex-girlfriends, sisters, and moms of friends.

Did mahoney violate the man code by hooking up with Capone’s sister and shitting his pants?

He continues to stand behind his actions as Mat and Carlos publicly and mercilessly berate him.

WIKIPEDIA RODEO!

So: Mat found a big ol’ box of copies of The Dark Knight on DVD.

Everyone wanted a copy, so Mat decided that he, Carlos, Mahoney, Sammi and a listener would battle it out in the treacherous Wikipedia Rodeo.

The game: take the numerical day from your birthday (i.e. January 18 = 18) and click the “random entry” button on Wikipedia that many times.

The person with the most interesting article wins!

John, a listener, had 18 clicks. But his article was a dry bio of some Irish guy.

Mat’s two clicks warranted an article about the year 2004.

Carlos’ 19 clicks landed on a dub-step producer from the UK.

Mahoney couldn’t play because Mat didn’t want to click 31 times.

And, finally, Sammi’s 18 clicks provided an article about mummy paper.

Clearly, Sammi was the big winner! (Although Mat gave John a copy, as well.)

Click here to read the winning entry!

7 a.m.

NOT SO SECRET SANTA

Since collectively the 91X Morning Show is broke, they decided that it would be in everyone’s best interest to do a Secret Santa.

Mat didn’t exactly understand the concept, however, and had Sammi choose names on behalf of everyone.

Of course with her luck, she chose herself last. So after a slight adjustment, here are the results:

Mat has Sammi and Preston.

Sammi and Preston have Mahoney.

Mahoney has Carlos.

Carlos has Mat.

Presents will be exchanged on Friday, our last show before Christmas… Don’t miss it!

Pop Trash: Burger King introduces meat-scented cologne, Rob Zombie signs on for Halloween sequel, Peter Falk may have Alzheimer’s, Eva Mendes wants to get naked with Morrissey for PETA, Clint Eastwood thinks America has gone soft, and romantic comedies mar love lives.

UFC Fighter? Or Hunting Knife?

The Ripper… Fighter!

The Beast… Fighter!

The Black Bear… Hunting Knife!

The Apparition… Hunting Knife!

The Predator… Fighter!

The listener that correctly differentiated between the two won vouchers to watch the next UFC PPV event fo’ free on Cox!

8 a.m.

Since we are broadcasting live from Sam the Cooking Guy’s house on Thursday for our Star-Studded Christmas Spectacular Show, he did not join us for White Trash Cooking this morning.

So: Mat had Young Pat the Intern bring in some Bacon Salt to sprinkle on as many concoctions as he could come up with.

Also, the proprietors of Bacon Salt, Justin and Dave, called in to talk about their ingenious product.

Their philosophy: everything should taste like bacon.

Mat agreed, citing his extremely blunderous attempt at bacon vodka.

The start up money came from a video of Justin’s 3-year-old son hitting him in the face with a t-ball. He subsequently won $5000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Once, before the inception of the current morning show, Mat and Carlos were messing around with Bacon Salt on air. Yadda, yadda, yadda, the product went from a small specialty shop to grocery stores across the country. Thus, Justin and Dave called the show the springboard for their company, and encouraged everyone to launch there bacon-flavored products right here on 91X.

And keep an eye out for their newest innovation: baconaise!

Pat and Mahoney ate bacon salt on cinnimon toast, pb and j, Nyquil, beer, applesauce, and quesadillas.

Justin and Dave suggested bacon-flavored kisses.

 In the spirit of the end of the year reflection, nostalgia, recaps and countdowns, Mat Diablo debuted his own segment that will feature a new Top 5 List each day until the new year. He calls it

MAT DIABLO’S CRUCIAL LISTS

Today’s list: The Top Five Movie Aliens of All Time

(according to Mat Diablo, that is)

5. PREDATOR

4. E.T.

3. CHICK FROM SPECIES

2. JABBA THE HUT

1. CHICK WITH THREE BOOBS IN TOTAL RECALL

(People were very upset that this list did not include Superman, Chewbacca, and the aliens from MIB and Space Jam.)

9 a.m.

THE BOTTOM 40!

When Mat Diablo uses the little power he has to plummet past the pop on top and reach into the depths of the musical charts to dig some gems gleaming with promise and potential out from…

The Bottom 40

 News: Lil’ Wayne has a blog.

This week’s featured tune from Mat’s personal musical piggy bank:

Get Better – Mates of State

Consider yourselves informed.

 Carlos thanked Mahoney for allowing his man card to join his penis in Bakersfield.

Sammi thanked the chick from Total Recall’s third boob.

Preston thanked bacon salt and gluttony.

Mahoney thanked Preston and Sammi in advance for a great gift.

Mat thanked hypothetical alleged weed in his house.com.

-SS

 

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5:30 a.m.

Mat Diablo revealed that he had hired one of Mahoney’s neighbors to keep an eye on the kid. Yesterday he received a call from his correspondent saying that the only sounds emanating from Mahanimal’s apartment were those of a grown man sobbing like a little girl, and the shameful buzzing of clippers.

Mat asked Mahoney to please explain why he decided to completely shave off all of his hair.

Mahoney said that, after some lady-friend issues this weekend, he had to do something to make sure he didn’t rebound too quickly or move on before he was totally ready. Mat was amused that Mahoney thought he had to make physical changes to keep the ladies away.

Carlos found it particularly disturbing that the shaving took place at 1 a.m. this morning.

6 a.m.

Mat said that Sammi the Intern  was dressed as the embodiment of “freedom rock” from the 1987 commercial with the old rockin’ Southern men. Mahoney said she resembled a pirate. Then they made fun of her for getting fired.

Drunk Dial Line!

“We apologize to Bucky Lasik for not having time today.”

Fatty made his own Budweiser commercial.

 Someone kind of complimented the show; he berated and insulted Mat and Mahoney, but it was because he was having trouble streaming the show online.

Rowley from Loudspeaker SD speculated that Preston was having a three-way with Sammi the Intern and her friend. She refuted this, of course.

“What the fuck am I on?”

 Someone had a hype-gorilla.

Mahoney needs to get his unpronounceable disease checked out.

The “good time” cookie monster called from TJ.

 ”I blew off three of my fingers with fireworks and then my wife asked for a divorce. You guys better be funny tomorrow morning.” Sorry about that…

What’s on the Internet? http://menwholooklikezachbraff.blogspot.com/

After P. Diddy’s tirade about black superheroes, Mahoney went on a rant excitedly naming  and explaining the powers of each and every black superhero in existence.

7 a.m.

Mat asked Sammi the Intern if she was keeping a tab of acid under her headband. He told her if she were on her way to a Skynyrd concert, she’d be the belle of the ball.

Mat asked what the hell was wrong with America when the most exciting sports recently have been golf and tennis; Carlos launched into an impressive, impromptu recap of the World Eating Championship.

“That just happened…”

MAN DATE (Mandate) IV: Passing Gas

Passing gas… cards on to you! (See what we did there?) Because this morning show is committed to help you relieve your gas-related pressure.

This Friday morning, join the 91X Morning Show at the High Dive Bar & Grill for breakfast, booze, a live broadcast, and $1000 in gas cards to give away!

Chances are, if you show up, you’ll walk away with something good! There’s plenty of prizes for all– at the very least enjoy the free breakfast and hot waitresses inexplicably dressed in Oktoberfest outfits.

In addition to the $50 gas cards that will be given away each hour, $100 gas cards will be awarded to winners of eating contests in which contestants have 91seconds to devour as much as they can!

So come, consume complimentary breakfast, laugh at Mahoney’s (bald) expense, and enjoy everything the morning show crew has to offer!

Oh and all the gas cards, of course.

Pop Trash: More Brinkley divorce, Dupree drops lawsuit, Applegate’s former boyfriend dead of a heroin overdose, and Crocodile Dundee evading tax men.

 Mat gave away passes to the upcoming Flobots X-Session.

8 a.m.

Mat wondered if anyone had any run-ins with the law while drinking at the beach over the holiday weekend. Mahoney said that he, care of Sammi the Intern, was taking pulls of cheap, warm whiskey out of a flask while watching the fireworks without any interference.

(”That’s our Sammi.”)

Carlos blatantly brought a 6-pack to indulge in, and didn’t encounter any trouble.

“What are you, Canadian? Why are you using the metric system?”

Jim, listening online from Phoenix, heard a crack Carlos made about “‘Zonies” and called in representing all “filthy Arizonians.”

This weekend Carlos was denied access to Moondoggies because the bouncer thought that his real ID was a fake. Carlos, drunk and agitated, had to call the cops on the bouncer to retrieve his driver’s license. He is now boycotting the bar.

Mat, however, praises and promotes any establishment that wouldn’t let Carlos in.

Mat described Mahoney’s apartment as, “just as sad as he imagined.”

The guys discussed Forrest Griffin’s victory in the title match of this weekend’s UFC 86.

9 a.m.

Not quite being the worst is good enough for Mahoney.

 Pop Trash: Lopez says “no” to nudity, live suck and tuck, Kidman has kid, man, meet the Costas, and Viacomm is watching you watch videos.

Carlos thanked Mahoney for shaving his head and looking like Willard Scott’s long lost son.

Sammi the Intern thanked Mat for doing quite a number on her self-esteem.

Mahoney thanked Forrest Griffin for inspiring him to do great things.

Mat thanked Mahoney for revealing to him during the break that he is going to go tan his bald head.

-SS